✓ flower petals || yang jungwon

043: love

"It's me, Jungwon...
wow, now I get what you meant when you said this was awkward. Talking with my phone while having to imagine your face in front of me is sure a pain in the ass.

How long has it been?
2 months? 4? I'm not sure, but..it's definitely been a long time since I've last seen you at school. Or seen you at all. And only now I got to answer the message you left me.
I miss you a lot, Eunji. I really do. There's not a time when I don't miss you. Replaying the audio you left me will never be enough. And.. I'm sorry that I couldn't bring myself to answer you earlier, it just was too difficult. I'm really sorry.

You know, there are a lot of things I regret so much and it especially hits me during the night when I can't sleep.
Even if you aren't awake or won't ever listen to this, but Eunji I swear you are seriously the biggest fool out there. How could you accept dying, when you literally had an option. Why the fuck would you do that? Didn't our memories, everything we had went through together mean anything to you? There are so many people, not just me that care for you, but you..still tried to leave.
Eunji, I just don't get it. I try to be understanding so bad, but there are so many questions. Even after the message you left me, I just..don't understand.
We could have went through this together. You could have told anyone just- why would you keep that to yourself?
Do you know how shocked I was when I found out you swallowed fucking sleeping pills? Just...how can you do that to me? To yourself?
I'm sorry. I really don't want to blame you. You already went through so much.

I'm just hurt. Eunji, I'm so hurt. I don't know what to do anymore.

And you lied to me.You lied, saying you won't feel any pain during the whole thing, but I know it hurt, I know you suffered. I know you tried to reassure me by telling you everything was okay, when it was not.

The thing that breaks me every time is the fact that all of this could have been prevented. This whole disaster could have been prevented so easily. I wouldn't be heartbroken and you..would be awake and smile like you used to.
And most importantly you would be by my side, if this just never happened.
We would be so happy. Going on actual dates and I could actually ask you out this time. This time not as friends,
But lovers.

Maybe if you told me from the start, maybe if I had come clean with my feelings earlier or maybe if you didn't lie to me...everything would have looked differently. Better. So much better.

Eunji, just-..why did this have to happen to us?

Of course you weren't the only fool out there, I was just as dense.

At this point, it's just tragic.
There are seriously so many things I regret, Eunji. So many.
I-I regret them so much and they keep following me everywhere I go and keep me awake at night. I regret all the things I had told you, all the things I did..I wish I could just turn back time and change everything just for you to be safe and by my side again. I regret saying that I just used you as a distraction, I regret pulling you into this whole mess with Sangmi and I regret...choosing Sangmi over you when you needed me.

Isn't it ironic..? How you rushed over to me immediately when I was the one calling you the night my grandma got injured, while I straight up stood you up and rushed to Sangmi instead. I went for Sangmi when you were fucking dying. I think about this everyday and I can't help but feel like punching myself afterwards.

I've spent days thinking and remembering our memories together. With all this time I have now in my hands, I realized something.
I had liked you all this time too. I had feelings for you too, a lot earlier than I thought.
But at the end of the day I just never wanted to admit them.