✓ UNDERNEATH IT ALL ━ nakamoto yuta

🎭 . . chapter nine.

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"moonyoung! hey!"

yuta was quick enough to catch up to the woman who was focused on arriving to her vehicle, him getting ahold of her arm.

"i'm being serious."

"i am too," moonyoung replied through gritted teeth. "so with utmost sincerity, fuck off."

"you may be pushing me away telling me you're fine, but i know your heart's been crying. when you were drunk that night i—"

"that's the point, i was drunk." she shrugged. "getting drunk causes momentary changes to us people and our thoughts, and that includes words we may not mean. it's not that deep."

"that doesn't change the fact that you're noticeably faking a big portion of yourself. why not just drop your whole act if it's not that deep?"

"if it was easy, don't you think i would've done it way back?" moonyoung threw a rhetorical question. "do i have to prove my complications? well here, i could be nice to a male employee just because i feel like it, then the next day, you'd see overexaggerated articles saying i'm an unprofessional ceo who gets to flirt with her juniors by abusing her power. but if i appear even the littlest bit of harsh, i'd be labeled an inconsiderate piece of shit. no emotion of mine works for anyone. do you see how complicated it is now?"

"why do you care about them?" he asked in return, mirroring her expression's intensity. "you can't hold back for a lifetime. fuck the perfect image and think about what you're genuinely comfortable in for once."

"you don't understand. we don't live the same lives. unlike you, i was born in a family with countless bullshit issues that i have to be wary of because of mine and the company's reputation. i— i can't live comfortably in my own skin or take off whatever 'mask' you say i'm wearing.

"the simplest things i do could mean a hundred other things to the media. did you see what happened to raeil and i's club incident? it's basically a necessity to care about them. the best i could do is to just . . . . act like a dead kid. to please the general public. that's how shit works."

she was appropriately skilled in holding her tears back, trying her best to ignore her thoughts getting colored by memories she wholeheartedly despised.

it seemed like the perfect time to walk away from the stressful scene too. her face lit up when she realized that her car was already in front of her after the insufferable minutes of walking. her unoccupied hand already reached out for the—

"so in short, you're weak."

that pulled moonyoung back though, her frozen in shock. the simple words struck her pride in ways she wouldn't ever be able to process on normal days. the suddenness caused her to stammer while attempting to formulate a response.

because she knew he was right. it just hurt too much to accept it. and it hurt more knowing it was said by someone she'd always been aspiring to impress.

"i'm— i'm not weak. no. no, i'm not. you have no right to tell me i'm weak because i'm not. i just— i just never had any— anything to strengthen me in the first place. but that doesn't make me weak. no."

"if you just let yourself be, it would probably be easier."

you could say that she was . . . . triggered. she sarcastically chuckled for the nth time that night, closing her eyes for a moment in hopes that it would lessen the fury that's been building up inside of her.

"that's quite funny of you to say, actually. you haven't seem the times i thought i've finally felt 'free' with someone. you know why? every time i think i finally have someone to let my guard down to, they leave. all of them. and i don't know if it's the heavens' plan for me to end up miserable with everything i do, but 'being myself' doesn't work, yuta. it never has, and it never will."

"have you considered including me in the thought? i won't leave. i'm here for you to feel free! trust me. hold onto me. whatever you want."

"trust you? okay, i can do that. i also know what happens if i do. it fucks either you, or me up. and when it finally does, our lives get affected. seriously affected. there's no point in doing what you're telling me to because if you look deeper, there's no win in any of the possible outcomes," she said.

the man pushed away the uncertainty that crept up his mind as he ran out of remarks to use as responses.

"but we could try to achieve a different outcome? don't jump to conclusions right away."

"i'm not a fan of false hope, honey."

when the silence between them was finally prominent (with no interruptions this time), moonyoung proceeded to enter the car while closing it harshly.

while she rolled the window in inconsistent ways, she decided to leave a few more words.

"also, please don't report to work until further notice. i'm speaking as your ceo. don't worry, your pay won't be affected, since it'll be marked as a permitted absence. i just don't think i can stand seeing you at the moment."

he couldn't argue anymore.

instead, he thought of the last thing he could do to at least be a little helpful, but not as pushy as before. yuta knocked at the newly closed window, earning her signature look of irrtation.

"can i tell you one last thing?"

"make it quick."

hearing the approval made him break into a small, bittersweet smile.

"there's nothing wrong with being vulnerable. or not being okay. i guess i'll stop nagging starting here because if you've convinced yourself that you don't need saving, then maybe that's true. i can't judge. you should just be more aware of your feelings."

to conclude his mini period of advice, yuta added, "admitting you're weak at some point is strong."

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