Dreamland Review Archive

Muderborne (T)

Murderborne

AwgawinFiresnap

Initial Impression: (cover, title & blurb)

I don't like your cover. Sorry. It's a good picture and I like the fonts but together it's not very captivating. I understand that your story has dark undertones, but you need to find a way to make your cover stand out more. The issue with your cover is mostly the title is barely visible. That problem probably comes from the fact that 'Murderborne' is a rather large word and can be troublesome to fit onto a cover while still making it big enough to read. I also have this problem with my title, as the word 'Uncertainty' is also quite cumbersome. 

You might want to look into a split-word title. I haven't done this with my title, since my title has other words in it that I've chosen to focus on. Since you don't have that option, you might want to look into a split-word, where you have 'borne' under 'murder' but still try to make the title one word. If you don't understand what I'm saying because I think I'm explaining it really bad, look up the book Annihilation by Jeff Vandermeer and hopefully that will explain what I'm saying. Anyway. You can of course do what you want, the split-word title is just a suggestion. But they are quite unique. Anyway, you should look into a new cover. I have a reading list full of cover shops that I trust if you want.

I like the title. It's weird. It's unique. I have no problem with it. I think it relates to the story. Nice.

The blurb. I noticed two things right off the bat with your blurb. Number one: it scares me because it looks like one big chunk. If it scares me, it might scare others. Number two: the formatting was super weird when I opened it on my phone. Then when I tried it on my laptop, it was still weird. I'm not sure if that's an error or what but I didn't like it. As for the actual words, it's not bad. You give us a LOT of info to begin with, which again was quite terrifying. But the structure was quite good. I'll edit it below by removing what I think is unnecessary info and increasing the drama: (keep in mind I don't use the oxford comma because I HATE it but you can do what you want. Oxford comma is, at least in Canada, a writer's decision)

There are three species in Esternia and there always will be.

Demons, Angels and Humans live in their own segregated kingdoms and while there is constantly tension in the air, war had been avoided for years. That is, up until four years ago, when the Holy Wars began.

Gavin was born a Devoln. He should have been killed at birth. Maybe then he wouldn't have started the Holy war or become the most wanted criminal in Esternia. Maybe then his entire family wouldn't have been slaughtered and his day-to-day life wouldn't be spend trying to dodge the Inquisitors' every move.

Except that maybe he doesn't have to.

When Gavin meets Aeiln, a girl with a similar past, he is dragged along with her and challenged to fight the system that has been forever shoved down his throat.

There are three species in Esternia and there always will be.

Except, maybe not anymore.

So I love the repetition of this and it wraps up nicely. But as I wrote it I came up with a better idea but I don't want to delete what I just wrote so I'm just going to give you this new idea as well. I'm not sure if this fits Gavin's character as much as the first one, but I think it might be a little more inviting than your current style:

It was not his fault he started the Holy War.

In truth, all Gavin really did was be born as a Devoln. But just because he didn't mean to start the Holy War doesn't mean he doesn't spend his days as the most wanted criminal in Esternia, trying to dodge the Inquisitors' every move.