Hello how are we feeling??
...
Harry
Amelia and I currently sit in the car driving to Robin's grave. I haven't been since he passed and with everything that happened today, I felt this strong urge to go. Admittedly so, though, I knew I wouldn't be able to go by myself so I asked Amelia to come with me. I felt slightly guilty about dragging her with me since cemeteries aren't exactly the most joyous place, but she was more than happy to go.
I really didn't think it was possible to love someone as much as I love Amelia. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around everything she told my mum, Gemma and I today but all I know is that I'm so fucking awestruck and in love with the fact that Amelia went through such lengths to make Robin's dying wish possible. At that point in time we were only dating for a couple of months. We were serious, but not as serious as we are now. She had every right to decline him yet she didn't, and she made this her big debut novel.
I really can't believe she did this.
I also can't believe that Robin secretly put this together with her. I don't think anyone, besides Mike and Amy, had any idea that he was even interested in writing. Mum knew he had a journal but she didn't think he took journalling seriously. She could have sworn he would only jot down random thoughts here or there - certainly not enough to put together an entire bloody book.
Mum, Gemma and I took about an hour to read the book. It's so fucking brilliant and I really can't believe that him and Amelia wrote it. It doesn't go into specifics about his life, keeping all those personal details private, but it narrates his experience with cancer and his thought processes while living with a terminal illness. He described how he felt during every step of the way, and then he went on to offer advice in a somewhat witty and comical way to those enduring anything similar to what he did. He keeps it lighthearted, which I think is one of the only reasons Mum, Gemma and I could keep it together, although it was just barely. Mum was a blubbering mess when Amelia and I left, and Gemma was no better.
After an hour of reading, though, I had to get out of the house. I felt like my skin was crawling and I had the sudden urge to come to the cemetery to see Robin, or rather to see his grave. Feeling all of these emotions bubble up inside of me has made me realize that I haven't exactly been coping with his death well and I'm hoping that maybe I can reach some sort of closure today.
After a few more minutes of driving in a deafening silence with nothing but my thoughts to focus on, I finally pull into the small cemetery. It's pretty here, with blooming trees littering the property and a black iron fence surrounding the area. But as much as it is beautiful, I still feel like I'm going to throw up. However, I try to push those anxious thoughts to the back of my mind and just focus on my main goal.
I have to do this. I have to see him.
As I slowly drive down the gravel, I count the rows until I find the seventh one, and then park my car next to the curb.
It's just a cemetery. I've been here before, it's not like this is the first time. I shouldn't feel as ill as I do now. So why do I?
"Harry?" Amelia's soft voice pulls me from my thoughts. I look over and see her giving me a rather concerned look. "You don't have to do this if you're not ready - "
"No," I cut her off. I sigh and shake my head slightly, squeezing my eyes shut. "Sorry, I just mean I know but I feel like I have to. I think this will be good for me in the long run."
I feel Amelia place her hand on my upper back and rub soothing circles into it.
"It'll be okay, lovey. We can stay as long or as short as you'd like. I know today's been a lot so please don't push yourself," she tells me.
