How The Hell Did We End Up Like This {Kellin Quinn}

Chapter 16

Rayleigh

<FLASHBACK>

I don't even know what was happening to me. I just felt empty. Utterly empty. Like no feeling filled me and it was such a weird feeling for me because just yesterday I was fine. In a matter of 24 hours I was completely deflated of all energy. I didn't want to do anything. I wasn't going to do anything. I refused. I laid there in my bed all day. But the thoughts just got worse. I thought it was just the fact that I couldve been overtired. That i just needed a nap. Now i was thinking about the meaning of life, and what the heck i was doing with my life? Like what was the main meaning for me living here? What was my purpose if I just lay there drowning in my own self pity?

I finally came up with the only logical answer, I had no purpose. None whatsoever. I had no point in being here if I was going to be a fucking waste. I had no other choice but to let someone with more potential take my place. Like Laila. She deserved the world and I deserved diddly squat. I got up and walked over to the bathroom and closed the door sitting on the toilet and taking deep breaths. I got up walking towards the cabinet and stood there looking at myself in the mirror. I took time to notice the bags under my eyes, the emptiness that filled my eyes. Emotionless. My hands started shaking. Was it anticipation? Or nerves? I didn't know anymore. I opened the cabinet making my reflection disappear as I reached for the prescription pain killers my mom still had from her leg surgery when she slipped down the steps.

Sure they were old, but I could care less at this point. I grabbed them swiftly while taking my seat on the toilet lid again staring at the orange bottle in my hands that said in clear letter MATTHEWS, SANDRA. I couldnt waste anymore time just staring at it so I attacked the bottle trying to open it. There was a knock on the door and I cursed under my breath and the prescription medication flew everywhere as I popped it opened.

"Ray?" I heard my mom say through the door. I didnt say a word as I scurried trying to pick up each individual pill off the ground panicking

"Ray? I'm coming in!" She said. The door knob jiggled and before I knew it i saw her collapse to the ground next to me cradling me in her arms crying.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." she repeated over and over while picking up the remainder of the meds throwing them down the toilet and flushing them. I was so numb that i couldnt even find it in me to cry. I couldn't cry. I just sat there cradled in her arms. That was when I vowed to myself I would never try this again. I meant to much to people around me. It's time I realize it.

I didn't go to school the next day, or the day after that, or the day after that. Before I knew it, it was Friday and I was still laying in my bed. I rarely ate during those three days and only found the courage to walk out of my room for a shower. After that, I would just lay there, maybe sleeping sometimes staring at the wall. I was not only embarrassed, but my sadness seemed to crawl up the deep depths of my minds and consume my time. Suddenly I began thinking that i wasnt good enough for Kellin. That somehow, he didnt deserve me because he told me about his past. He made it well known that he trusted me enough with something so daring. I wouldn't say daring, but this was his deepest darkest secret we were talking about. It was no joke.

I haven't talked to anybody in those three days either. I haven't spoken, texted or made some sort of contact with anyone, not Tess, not Sarah or Kylie. No one, i couldn't even bring myself to even speak to my family. Laila was confused by what was wrong but didn't push it and it only made me feel like a bad sister. My parents on the other hand understood what was happening and let it be. My mom wouldn't let Kellin talk to me when he showed up at my door later on, and I don't even know how she understood when I didn't even tell her the full extent of what happened. No one knew. Except...the whole school.