Hermitcraft Oneshots

Not My Fault

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TW/CW: mentions of death/murder

Prompt: Storytelling

Characters: Xanus, Xisuma, some others

Style: Crack

Word Count: ~500

AU: Mortuus AU

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"I remember setting the toaster on fire when I was 7," Hels stated.

"Yeah!" Wels exclaimed, "You blamed that on me you little shit!"

"Not my fault they believed me."

Any previous conversation forgotten; the group of Hermits began sharing stories of dumb things they'd done throughout their lives. And they had a lot of stories to tell.

Joe told them about a day where he didn't speak for a week because someone had bet him 10 diamonds he couldn't do it which led to Grian talking about having to sing everything for a month for a dare. Tfc spoke about a time when his friends had buried him in snow, and he nearly got frostbite and died. Stress informed them of a time when she had run away for a month because she had heard her parents swearing.

After a while, Xanus had started telling them a story about Xisuma and themself,

"We were 17 and our parents had made us go on a walk together because apparently 'trying to kill your sibling everyday isn't normal' or something. So, anyway, we went into the woods and X-

"For the last time I wasn't responsible for those deaths." X interrupted calmly. Everyone stared at him for a moment before Xanus burst out laughing.

"No but you did teach him how to hold a sword properly though."

"Well he was gonna break his wrist if he kept holding it like that!"

Their argument was stopped by Beef saying,

"Well? What happened? I want all the details!"

"Right," Xanus started, "We went into the woods and there was this group of like 14-year-olds training-"

"But they weren't very good at it"

"True, so, X thought it would be a good idea to teach them how to hold a sword properly because the way they were doing was gonna get them hurt"

"Yeah, and then one of the guys used what I told them to perma-kill everyone else there."

"We left after that, still don't know if they ever arrested that guy. Imagine how awkward it would be if we saw him again."

"So you're telling us X enabled a murderer and said murderer is still on the loose?" Hypno questioned.

"If you put it that way it sounds a lot worse." Xisuma answered, "Technically I just taught them how to hold a sword properly, it's not my fault one of them used that knowledge to kill the others. Plus, you've done worse."

"Yeah?" Xan asked, "Like what?"

"You drowned me when we were 7, you pushed me off a cliff when we were 13 and I'm pretty sure that you were the person who hacked into every school computer to change the backgrounds into various pictures of executions."

"First of all, the cliff was only 10 blocks high and there was water at the bottom. Second of all, I didn't even do the last one myself... I paid Yaeko to do it."

"That still means you were responsible for it!"

"No it doesn't"

"Yes it does."

"It Doesn't"

"Yes It Does"

"Doesn't"

"It Does"

"Doesn't"

"Does"

"Doesn't"

"Does"

"Doesn't"

"Ita factum est, et si qui non accipit Ego ad te occidere."

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Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter and, until the next one, bye! ~Mors