Legendary // H.S

56.

'Oh little ghost, you see the pain

But together we can make something beautiful'

*

Harry

I read somewhere once that it is through not facing our fears that our limits are set. Of course, they hold us back, but they entirely create barriers around otherwise insignificant things, prohibiting us from ever stepping past the boundaries. They trap us in a false sense of security until parts of the wall start to crumble and we realise we were just delaying the inevitable. Avoiding the responsibility of facing our demons and conquering them like the beasts of a medieval prophecy. Sometimes, I like to picture myself as the hero of these stories, but most of the time I accept that I am but a victim to the corrupt and evil, and I will ultimately fall to my demise because I refuse to battle the monsters.

Today is a day that I face them head on. Not because I feel brave enough to do so or even ready, but because I have someone by my side to hold me up when I am about to collapse. Atlas, the woman that has turned my world upside down and dragged me into a whirlpool of unexpected twists and turns. She sits by me quietly and simply holding my hand to reassure me that she'll remain with me for as long as I'll let her.

I didn't sleep well last night, too busy worrying over every possible thing that could happen today based on what I had endured in my past. The few times I did manage to drift off I immediately woke again, body wet from fear and shaking uncontrollably. Every time, however, Atlas woke too, and she stayed with me in whatever position I found myself in, cradling me until I calmed again. The first time she just held me, whispering sweet words into my ear. The second, she brought some water and a damp cloth to cool my skin. The third, her body faced mine and she wrapped her arms so tightly around me that I could barely breathe.

She's so affectionate with those she cares deeply for, and I've finally accepted that someone could feel something like that for a soul as tarnished as my own. I know she struggled with the notion at first, but so did I. I hated how quickly I began to worry for her, to place her needs above my own. I tried so hard to remain hardened to her influence, but it was never a choice. Atlas has the power to pull down the walls of a fortified city with just her smile. Atlas has the power to brighten a landscape clouded in darkness and storms with just her laugh. Atlas has the power to change the world with just her heart.

I feel lucky to have found myself a recipient of it, even more so when I face things I'd rather run from. She is with me through everything, and I don't even think she realises just how powerful that is.

This morning she showered with me, which resulted in a particularly tiring round of sex. Then she cooked for me, surprising me with her own skills that she frequently downplays. Now she just lets me respond to my fears in whatever way I see fit. Silence, anger, words and actions. Everything I do is allowed. I feel safe with her.

I haven't visited my family for a while. When I first moved to London after Dad died, I tried my best to keep up our contact, going every weekend just to see their faces and remind myself that we survived. But then it became infrequent, and eventually I found myself dreading the day I had to see them again. Not because I dislike them, or because it felt like an obligation I couldn't get out of. But because of how much I love them, and how much I hurt them.

I need them to have space to thrive outside of our traumatic past, to grow beyond the harm they had to endure at both mine and my father's hands. Of course, I never willingly participated, I was forced into it, but the scars are still there. They need to be free of me; I am a walking reminder of the fear they felt. It weighs heavily on me from the moment I wake every day.