Imprisoned

Ch.15-Scars-

-Sarah-

I emerge from the bathroom to find a shirtless Loki laying on the bed, reading. I keep my hands folded in front of my chest, keeping the towel from falling. He looks up at me and smiles. I missed his smile. He doesn't like other people to see him vulnerable and for some reason, he thinks him showing happiness means he is vulnerable. I don't, I think when you have something that makes you happy it makes you stronger. Plus his smile is fucking adorable.

"Can I have some clothes please?" I ask after he stares at me and doesn't seem to take the hint that I have no more clothes. Or maybe he is just too distracted, silly trickster. He gives me a sly smirk and with a flick of his wrist, my towel is replaced by leggings and an oversized sweater, which I assume is his size. I smile at him and jump onto the bed, hovering over him and placing a sweet kiss on his lips before collapsing on top of him and resting my head on his bare chest.

I listen to his heartbeat and his chest lower and raise. I feel the comforting cold of his body against mine and don't want to move ever again. I could stay like this forever, in his hold. Everything is so safe, so simple when I'm with him, it almost makes me forget the past few weeks, almost.

"Would you like to talk about it, darling?" Loki asks gently, playing with my hair between his fingers. I look up at him confused.

"Talk about what?" I ask. Loki gives me a sad smile and releases his hand from mine onto my wrist, gently stroking through the fabric of the sweatshirt.

"These my love." His fingers continue to gently caress the area on my wrist where my scars lay. I feel my face fall and myself go pale. I look down awkwardly and sit up next to Loki on the bed, pulling my sleeves further over my hands.

"I um...I don't know what you're talking about." I say sheepishly. Loki turns so he faces me and places a comforting hand on my shoulder. I don't dare to look up at him, let alone look him in the eyes.

"Please know I understand...more than you know." he starts, "My past has left more than just mental scars." I slowly look up at him with a saddened expression. Loki looks slightly nervous but puts out his wrists and removes an illusion to reveal scars. I look at his wrist with shock and pain. It pains me to know that he has experienced so much pain that he had hurt himself. Of all the stories he has told me of his childhood, he never mentioned this. I feel tears well in my eyes and cautiously reach out my hands to feel the scars on his wrists. I briefly look up and meet his eyes before looking down, ashamed of myself for what I did weeks ago.

I shyly pull my sleeves up to reveal the few scars that adorned my wrists. Loki takes my hands in his and starts to inspect my wounds. I'm too ashamed to look up at him and can't hold back the tears in my eyes any longer.

"I'm so sorry." I cry, begging Loki to forgive me for my idiotic actions.

"Hey, hey," Loki coos, bringing his hands to my face and brushing my tears away, "Look at me." I do as he says and see Loki's face filled with concern. "There is no need to apologize Sarah." It must be serious for him to use my real name instead of one of his nicknames for me.

"But-" I begin to argue but Loki cuts me off,

"No. I should have been there for you...If only I had been there..." He trails off, gazing deeply into my eyes, I gaze back. His thumb wipes away one more tear before he leans in, meeting my lips with a much-needed, loving kiss.

"You have no idea how much I missed you," I whisper, pulling back from the kiss and gazing into his emerald green eyes. His thumb strokes my cheek.

"Not nearly as much as I missed you," Loki responds, making my cheeks flush and my heart warm. I embrace him in a long hug. Loki is stiff at first, not used to the physical affection since we were separated but soon relaxes and rubs my back with his hands.

"What would you like to do now my dear?" He asks calmly. I think to myself and scooch closer to him, laying my head on his shoulder.

"Can you read to me?" I ask, giving him puppy dog eyes, earning an adoring smile in return.

"Of course darling." Loki agrees, kissing me sweetly before summoning the book we were reading together, the one about the beasts and the princess. I snuggle closer to him and his hand runs comforting stokes up and down my arm.

Loki reminds me of the beast in the story. Not because of who or what he is, I couldn't care less for that. But I see the way he is when he is in jotun form, which is close to never. He sees a monster, a beast, something evil and unworthy. He sees something to be ashamed of, something to hide, to cover up. No matter how many times I have reassured him that I do not care what form he is in or what he looks like, it doesn't seem to repair whatever makes him so shameful of his true form.

In the book, the beast feels unworthy of the princess's love despite her attempts to assure him she does not see him as a monster or a beast. I do hope that by the end of the book Loki will realize that I truly do not see him as one either.

Loki's shared a few bits and pieces of his past and childhood, but only little fragments. And he never seems to talk about Odin, despite him being his father, adopted, Loki did tell me he was adopted but not many details. I have noticed that Odin is a sensitive topic for him so I tend to steer clear of the subject, but at some point, I want to talk with him about it.

I hope Loki opens up to me soon, I want to understand him and be there for him. It's hard for him to let people in. According to all the books on Norse mythology I read before making my trip to Asgard, Loki is a self-centered, selfish, power-focused god, and most importantly the god of mischief. But they never seem to mention how he supposedly became that way, not that he is that way now. Now he is sweet, caring, and, dare I say, Loving. At least I find him lovable.

We are both clearly damaged, scared, from our past. I try to cover it by being more positive because I know how bad it used to be. Loki however hides the scars of his past. I don't judge him for it. I know personally how much it can suck. The sooner I can truly understand him and he can see himself the way I see him, the way I love him. Here I go again. 

Is this love? 

God, I hope so.

-Loki-

I look down at Sarah to find her asleep in my arms. I gently set the book aside, marking where we left off. Tiny mortal, gets tired so fast. I am rather comfortable so I don't dare move, for fear of waking her. She is so cute when she sleeps. I play with her beautiful, dark, curly hair. Her left hand is resting on top of my chest along with her head. I listen to her quiet breathing and relish in this perfect moment.

It breaks my heart to know that she hurt herself and I couldn't help her during our time apart. It is so unlike Sarah, she is usually positive, silly, and, as far as I could tell, a happy person. Although when she was taken away from me, so was all my happiness. I myself could barely find the motivation to have hope. The only thing that kept me going was the thought of seeing Sarah again.

No matter what she went through she is still amazing and beautiful to me and I hope to one day learn more about her life in Midgard, as I am sure she would like to learn more about my childhood. Though I do not know if she would wish to hear about my past, it is not pretty and left many scars, physical or not. I just hope once she learns the truth that she does not see me differently. If I open up to someone and they leave...if she leaves...

I'll be alone...again...

I push the thoughts out of my head and place a light kiss on the top of her head.

"Goodnight my love."