it had been months since vinnie and i broke up. he had moved on and i was still standing still. the way social media began to consume me. the way that all i'd do with my free time was stalk his new girls instagram. i'd compare my every part to her.
she was one of those girls who looked like the walking version of the morning dew on the grass. she looked like she tasted of honey and felt like silk. she was better than me in every way. i would stare at her picture forever and just wish that it was me. why wasn't i still his?
the way that i knew she was better but still wondered why he didn't pick me instead. i could fall in love with her she was so beautiful. her smooth bourbon colored skin. her long eyelashes that were attached to her honey brown eyes. her plump lips were the perfect match with her small nose. she was everything i wanted to be. she was everything i was insecure about.
she made him happy, and that burned my soul with a rage that was unexplainable. why wasn't it still me. with my big nose with a bump. with my soft stomach. why wasn't it my blue eyes and not her brown? he could have swam as many laps as he wanted in my blue but he chose to get stuck in her honey.
why couldn't he love my hips and my small lips? why couldn't he love my almost good enough body? i came to understand after i remembered that i couldn't even love my almost good enough body. i was so mediocre it hurt. the thing that hurt the most was the fact that i had him. i had him and he had to leave.
he ran away from me before he got sucked in too deep. i was temporary material, not forever material.
her long layered hair draped over her shoulders and her thin arms and collarbone. a natural brown color, clearly never been dyed before. mentally stable and beautiful. not fair. the way her smile filled my screens drove me crazy but i couldn't stop looking. the way both of them danced around in my head having their happily ever after without me, made me want to vomit.
he touched me in places i've never been touched before. he saw the entirety of my body. he was near the things i'd never let anyone else in the world close to. he was close to my insides just as much as the out. i thought he loved me.
but now he was touching her body. and now he was looking at the entirety of her body. oh and how i knew it felt and looked extremely different than mine. so much better. so much smoother. so much less pale. so much less...me.
i didn't know how much longer their photos would consume me, but i didn't really care. it was mostly her i looked at. i tried to buy her clothes and do her workouts as if it would make me any more beautiful and as if it would make him come back. he was never coming back. he was stuck in her honey and i was just the water he used to rinse off.
he submerged himself into my pool. he left his scent and the feeling of his skin against mine. then he just walked out and never came back.
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