Crazy 'bout you ( GxG)

Chapter 9 - Charlie

His hands travel over my body and I feel his warm breath by my neck. It makes me sick and all I want to do is scream. I want to get out of here, but he's too strong, he can hold me in place with one hand.

"God, you are perfect, so beautiful." I want to vomit. I want to cry, but just like always, it seems like I'm being numbed. I can't move my arms and legs. This is not real, this is not real. It will be over in a minute. This is not happening to you, you are watching a movie. My eyes open again when I feel severe pain and then I scream.

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I shoot up sweaty and with a scream. My throat feels raw. Was I screaming the whole time? I press my back against my headboard, I'm still wearing all my clothes, I apparently forget to take them off, but that's not on my mind right now. My breathing quickens and the walls are coming at me. Gasping for breath, I fall off my bed, struggling to get up to step into the hallway. I need air.

I take a deep breath and force myself to move forward, find my way to the stairs. Just a little more. Stumbling and stumbling, I manage to drag myself forward leaning against the wall to find the stairs. I stumble down the steps and  fall against the front door. 

I'm at the point where I almost can't breath anymore and my panic attack takes over everything. My thoughts, my movements. It takes so much effort for me to get myself into the porch seat. 

We have a porch in the front of our house and behind our house and the front porch is much more windy, what I need right now. 

My head falls into my hands and I try to remember my psychologist's exercises. 5 Things. What were they? Black dots appear in the corners of my eyes. Come on.

I can smell the asphalt, that's recovering from the sun. I can feel the cold wooden chair under my legs, I hear crickets and the wind gently pulling at the leaves, I taste the beer I drank a few hours ago, it makes me a little sick to be honest, I see our driveway and my black truck, which Jay parked. Jay. As if I just popped some pills the panic subsides and the more I think about Jay the faster it goes.

When I regain my breathing and I'm no longer light-headed, I let the tears fall. The tears that I haven't let go in a long time, that I have gushed up and I know my shrink said that it's bad, I have to throw it out once in a while, but I feel weak when I cry. As if it is still clear to me what happened and that it does something to me. That it still affects me in so many ways. 

I don't cry ugly, they are mostly silent tears, but there are many, there will be no stop. So I just let it happen, maybe I cry myself to sleep, I know I won't sleep tonight, not if I'm just going to lay there, looking up at the ceiling hoping that the sleep will take me, no, that won't happen with these pictures in my head. His face just keeps appearing in my mind and I can't push him away. I feel panic rising again but I know how to shake it off, no way that I will have a panic attack twice.

The hairs in my neck shoot up, I don't know how, but I get the feeling that someone is coming. As soon as I can, I wipe my cheeks, eyes, and chin to get the tears away and rub my temples were a headache is slowly starting to form.

A figure appears in the doorway that I apparently left open. Nothing is said so I look aside. Jay stares at me, there is a worried frown on her face and she is holding two cups of tea.

"Are you okay?" Shit she either heard or seen me and I don't like either choice. She doesn't wait for my answer and sits next to me.

"I'm fine," I mumble, I already hate this headache. I take a mug from her and take a sip. Would she really have seen me? I'm staring at the mug in my hands, it's been a while since I've even touched, let alone drank any tea.