Bring Me Home // Bucky Barnes

Chapter XVIII - The Deepest Pain

As Steve pulled himself back into the compartment he felt every bite of pain and guilt and loss. He felt the drowning sensation of grief and the numbness that encased him was so desperately desired. Then he saw her; eyes closed, breathing shallow and laboured, and he broke again.

Dugan entered the compartment alone. They had found and captured Zola and Dernier was in the control room now, slowing the train to a halt. He entered unaware of the devastation he would find.

"Cap!?" He dropped to a crouch when he saw Steve, bruised and broken on the floor. "Cap, what happened?" His eyes trailed over Elizabeth, weak in the corner, the gaping hole in the wall and the destruction left in the rest of the compartment as it dawned on him. "Cap. Where's Barnes?"

When Steve looked at him he saw a broken child. His eyes swam with unshed tears and pain and he choked back the words he needed to say. This was a man who felt the deepest pain. This was a man who just lost his last remaining family. This was a man who felt blame.

Without a word Dugan got to his feet, pulling Steve up with him and walked slowly to Elizabeth. He watched her for a moment, afraid to touch her, afraid to wake her only to then destroy her completely. When he picked her up from the floor she did not stir. Her head rolled back and her arms lay limp at her side. Dugan lead the way as Steve followed behind, trying to think of something other than the one image he now would never forget. The echoes of Bucky's screams would forever be etched into his mind, like a song he never wished to listen to but could never erase.

The journey back to base was silent.

Not one man spoke. No one made any attempts to wake Elizabeth. They simply walked, one foot in front of the other and then again, focussing on the movement and the movement alone. They had all lost a comrade, a brother.

*

Peggy saw them first. Her eyes were on Steve as he stumbled into the camp. The cut on his shoulder seeped and he held one hand to his abdomen as if to hold himself up. He had been hurt. But the thing that caught her attention, the one thing that made her heart stop and her stomach churn, was the look on his face.

Steve's eyes, which usually glistened with laughter and life, were dull and lifeless and his face was numb. There was no trace of joy or accomplishment as he marched forward. There was no sign of anger or pain. There was just emptiness.

It was then that she saw Lizzie. Peggy ran to her as Dugan placed her gently on a cot. She was deathly pale and a slick layer of sweat clung to her. Her hair was matted with blood and the deep purple bruises were a ghastly contrast to the sickly pallor of her skin. Her breathing, although steady, was shallow and painful. She had been beaten within an inch of her life. As Peggy gripped the bloodstained hand of her best friend she looked up and her eyes met Steve's.

"Steve?" Her voice cracked as his barriers fell and his tears began to flow.

"He's - he's dead Peggy. I tried to - I reached - I couldn't reach him. He's gone. Bucky's gone and I couldn't..." His sobs racked through him as she dropped Lizzie's hand and rushed to his side, pulling him into her embrace as he shook and cried and begged for it to be him instead.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she soothed as they sank to their knees in the mud. She held him like that for what felt like a lifetime as he fell apart. Dugan and the others made sure Lizzie was looked after while Steve cried and the world fell apart.

*

Steve sat with Elizabeth for two days as she slept. He wished he could succumb to the darkness too. He wished it had been him. As she rested he held her hand and stared into the distance. When he closed his eyes he watched it happen all over again. Even now, he heard Bucky.

The twitch of her fingers rescued him from the eternal loop of pain he now found himself in and slowly she tried to open her eyes.

Elizabeth couldn't see. The world was blurry and cold and the darkness had been comforting. She longed to go back and she didn't know why. As she moved her fingers she felt resistance. A hand. Bucky?

Her eyes searched for him, for his messy dark hair and the stubble of his jaw. Instead they fell on the soft sadness of Steve who gripped her hand as if he was holding on to the last shred of life left in him.

"Steve?" Her voice was weak and it hurt her to speak. "Where is he? Where's Bucky?"

She felt it before he said anything. The shift in her reality, the world dimming, losing its fire. She wanted to go back to the darkness. She wanted the comfort of ignorance, the remnants of hope.

"Lizzie, I -" he crumbled.

His silent tears told her all she never wanted to know and a new pain tore through her. She shook violently as sobs ripped through her chest and left a gaping hole where she had once felt love, and comfort, and the promise of forever. She drowned in the pain of grief as she clung to Steve's hand.

"No. No. No. Please Steve. You're wrong." She begged. "Tell me you're wrong Steve. Please. My Bucky. I need him. God no. I need him. Please. He promised. He promised me he'd come back to me. Please." As she cried she curled into herself, embracing the pain of her body as it mixed with the pain of loss.

Peggy ran into the tent as Lizzie screamed out.

"I need him. I need him." Her tears began to drown out her words as a part of her died and Peggy wrapped herself around Lizzie, holding her together and crying silently with her. Eventually Lizzie gripped Peggy's shirt and she clung to her. She clung to her like she was clinging to life itself.

Steve, broken and frail, stood to give Lizzie her space, afraid he was intruding, when he felt her reach for him. She looked up at him, tear stained and struggling for breath and pulled him into the embrace.

The three of them sat together like this and cried until there were no tears left.

After a while Peggy unwrapped herself from the embrace and turned to Lizzie. She had no words of comfort to give, no advice or comments that could make this better, so instead she gently kissed her forehead and turned to leave.

"Steve," Lizzie whispered, still wrapped in his arms, "I'm sorry."

"What?" His voice was still thick with pain.

"This is my fault. I should have... If I hadn't..."

"No. Shh. No Lizzie. This isn't on you." What was left of his strength disappeared in this moment. Lizzie couldn't blame herself. Not when Steve knew in his heart that Bucky would never have been there, on that train, if he had just kept his name off of that list. This was his fault.

He had killed his best friend.