swim || remus lupin

lily

Lily Evans had quite a bit of anxiety.

She was a perfectionist, and she took on way more than she could handle. On top of being Head Girl, she was also head of the Potions Club, Ancient Runes Club, a part of the Slug Club, and she tutored five different first years.

She was also still unaccustomed to the hardships of being disowned by a sister.

Lily had a terrible habit of biting her nails. She did it in class, on the train, in the library, while talking to James, just about everywhere she went. In fourth year, she started painting her nails to try to stop herself. She would change the color each week and the weight of the polish as well as the unfamiliar color would give a small reminder, and it worked.

Although her nails were well beyond grown out now, Lily still painted them something new each week. She had come to like the arbitrary feeling and the way she could pair outfits with the new shade.

Around two weeks ago, Sydney had asked why she did this. Around two weeks ago Lily painted twenty nails instead of ten, and her and Syd rocked the pale pink together.

Sydney was always like that. She always wanted to know why. Why did you decide on french braids? Why do you sleep with socks? Why do you want to be a healer? Why doesn't your sister talk to you?

Once she understood all angles, Sydney would make a thinking sort of face, where her eyebrows would furrow and her mouth would almost frown, and then she would shrug and accept it, no judgements. Lily wished she was that understanding.

But she was not. Lily Evans was not thoughtful and accepting. She judged everyone right away, based off of her first impression. Sometimes she was wrong, and she admitted it. Sometimes her best friend was a Dark Lord supporter, sometimes the arrogant and lovesick boy wasn't so bad. And in those cases, she re-examined their character based on her new impressions. But she had never thought about the reasoning behind their actions. She had never thought to ask why.

She wished she could ask Sydney why. She wished she could find out why she had lied, why she had gone to the lake, why she had trusted Theo. She wished she could ask why she didn't feel safe with her friends, why she needed more.

She wished she could ask why she wanted to paint their nails ocean blue this week.

"Alright, Evans?" Asked the not so arrogant boy beside her.

Lily pulled her hands away from her mouth and looked at them. She had ripped the tops of her nails clean off, so that only little stubs were left and the skin underneath was starting to bleed. The polish was not enough to stop her anxiety this time.

She looked back up to the boy, her heart shaking and feeling as though it may spill over.

"Alright, Evans?" He had asked. The words she heard so many times before. The words typically followed by a wink or a whistle. She wished that he had winked at her, instead of removing his glasses and running a hand through his hair. She wished his eyes were young and playful, instead of worn and mature.

"Not really," she breathed, intertwining her fingers, short, ocean blue nails, with his.