youth ❀ karlnap

i can't control you

i don't think there are many cws on this chapter, maybe mild transphobia? tell me if there's anything i need to add here because i don't really think there's much bad in this one

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Karl still didn't have his phone back. It was weird being at school without it, because he usually had his earbuds on blast when he skipped through the halls, moving his head to the beat. It was worst when he was bored at home, but he still had access to his school-issued Chromebook for obvious reasons, so it wasn't like he was completely cut off from Sapnap. They took cautious steps, but it didn't really matter, since their relationship was now exposed to the knowing eye. There was nothing to hide.

His mom hadn't really said anything about it since. He could only imagine that she was still trying to figure out what she should do. She looked away for one second and now her fifteen-year-old was in a romantic relationship with someone she didn't know the existence of since Karl was in elementary school. And they were both trans... it was probably hard for a cis person to grasp, but he was patient.

It felt like hell sometimes, but he was willing to give her the time if she needed it. Maybe that was the exact thing that could end up changing her mind.

As for the time being, they were still together. Sapnap was devastated to hear that his mom looked through the package even though he had Quackity send it with his name on the box. Maybe they should've been more careful, but in the end, it was no one else's fault but his mom's. Karl wanted her to be able to trust him, and her looking through the things that his friends got him before he could even open it up himself was upsetting.

But to be fair, he did lie about the fact that he was in a romantic relationship with his best friend. He was just trying to keep himself safe, but now that she knew he was hiding it that whole time, guilt weighed itself like a stone in his stomach.

If only he didn't have to fear talking about his own identity, then none of this would've happened.

Karl didn't have access to his phone for about a couple of weeks, which was actually the longest he had gone without it in general since he got it. He had to admit, the worst parts about not having it was simply that he couldn't listen to music, talking to his friends online was a lot harder, and his mom could look through it at any time. Not that he had anything on there that would incriminate him even more than he already was, but it was still stressful to think about her flipping through his photos and his social media.

He got it back quicker than he would've imagined, though. Since dinner was sometimes the only time he saw his mom for the entire day, she usually took that time to do whatever she needed to do with him before he'd retreat to his room for the rest of the night. He just watched as she slid his phone across the table and nodded at him, before he apprehensively took it. He didn't look at it immediately, but made a mental note to check which apps were left open later, because he was sure that his mother wouldn't know how to close them after she opened them. He remembered giving her a confused look, wondering what else she was thinking, before she spoke up as if she could read his mind.

"So I did my research and stuff and..." She sighed, pressing her lips together. "That binder thing you got can be extremely harmful, and I don't think it's safe for you."

Karl genuinely felt pained at that, and he couldn't help but wince. That piece of fabric would've been a life-saver, and he would've been able to look at his chest in the mirror and finally feel like himself. He understood that it was dangerous to bind for long periods of time, or to push it if he ever felt winded or in pain, and he wasn't planning on ever doing that sort of thing. As much as his dysphoria festered in his mind like a dark cloud, he didn't want to end up hurting himself and then be unable to bind at all for some time while he healed.