Irreplaceable [h.s]

Chapter 27

I slowly wake up to the sounds of pans and glass quietly clinking around in the kitchen, the sound making me squint my eyes as I rub my hands over them. A small exhale escapes my lips as I open my eyes, seeing the curtains in the living room closed, blocking out as much light as possible. They weren't closed when I went to sleep so Harry must of closed them when he woke up.

The thought of Harry makes me furrow my eyebrows, curious as to what he's doing in the kitchen. I then sit up very slowly, barley peeking over the back of the couch, seeing Harry standing in the kitchen, no shirt on as he cooks something on the stove. I gaze at him for a moment, trying to take a peek at what he's cooking, only to get distracted by the tattoos on his torso.

Who would of thought I would still be so entranced by them?

His shorts hang low on his waist, showing the leaves on his lower stomach, some of it being hidden by his black shorts. I shake my head at myself before I slowly lay back down on the couch. I shouldn't stare at him like that. It would probably make him uncomfortable and that's the last thing I want. I don't really think it's my place to look at him like that anymore.

It's not the same. Nothing about us is the same. I can't say things that I used to. I can't do the things I used to, even when it's almost like an instinct to. When I see his face and see how sad he is, even though he really tries to hide it, a part deep down inside of me wants to hold him and kiss him and comfort him but I can't do that anymore. It's not my place to.

I don't really think I could even if I wanted to though. It's just a feeling, an urge that's buried deep down inside of me, one I tend to resist. I don't think I could because I have too much respect for him and I know that would probably make things worse. And because it doesn't feel the same between us. It's not something I'm shocked by, it's just something I'm not used to.

I'm not used to this distance between us. Even when we are in the same room, it feels like we're one hundred miles apart. I can almost feel the wall he's built up around his heart. I feel it when he speaks to me and when he's around me. I see how he's almost always tense around me. I see how he will watch my reactions closely after saying something, making sure he didn't cross a line.

And even though he puts on a front, I see his smile disappear when he turns away. I see it all disappear. I see how I've hurt him. I was too selfish to admit it before but I hurt him. I made him believe he wasn't enough for me. I should of went about a lot of things in a different way and that is something I regret. I'm reminded of those mistakes every time I look into those green eyes of his.

But after all that fades, I remember my own pain and hurt. I remember how he's hurt me. I remember that cold and distraught look in his eyes the night of the wedding. I remember the two months I spent with those eyes haunting me in my dreams. When he speaks, I remember how much I longed to hear his voice again. When I see him, I'm reminded of those two months I spent in agony and I don't know how to fix it.

I don't enjoy feeling this way. I don't enjoy the feeling of my heart aching when I see him. I don't enjoy feeling like I'm talking to a stranger at times. I don't enjoy any of it. I want it all to stop. I want it to be okay and even though for very brief times it feels like that, I don't know if it'll ever feel okay again. I don't know if it's possible for things to get mended between us.

I feel completely lost. I came down here for closure and now that I'm here, I don't even know how to begin to get that. I don't know what I want or need right now. I feel as lost and confused as I could possibly be. I think there's a lot of conversations the two of need to have but I don't think either of us are quite ready for it yet.

I should probably speak for myself. I have no idea if he's ready for it. He doesn't seem to be though. Then again, I've been proven wrong before so I can be again and with how he's been pushing everything down, there might be something I'm missing. I'm usually good at reading people and I was with Harry but now, it's so much harder.