tangled up in blue

38

AN- dont get too confused by the way im starting this chapter, it will make sense in a minute!

there's gonna be double t swift in this chapter so if you aren't a fan you're probably so mf tired of mine and noah's indoctrination program (i might end up changing it though so there's more range sjksjsks)

also for people asking for the playlist or my spotify, im releasing it at the very end of the book <3 (which actually isnt that far away but dont ask me for more details bc i have no clue how many more chapters theres gonna be, all you need to know is this defo isnt the last one lmao)

Noah, 1 week later

"Hi, Mom."

Even though I hadn't visited for a while, my Mother's grave hadn't changed at all. I wasn't sure why I thought it would. What was dead was dead. But somehow, every time I talked to the memory of her, I half expected her hand to push against mine from inside the gravestone. I brushed my fingers over her name, burning the engravings into my skin as if it could make me remember how it felt to touch her, as if it could make me forget that the last thing that remained of her was a slab of cold grey stone.

"I'm sorry that it's been a long time. Everything's kinda crazy at the moment. But I brought you flowers. Iris's. Roses were sold out. I guess everyone likes roses, but honestly, the real treasure lies in the discount section. I was gonna get you one of those tacky teddy bears that smells like artificial grape and says 'Fly high' or something that you'd find funny, but Kat would kill me."

Her grave was a distance away from the others, and it was the prettiest one there. A willow tree swayed behind the headstone, its leaves dipping over a small stream. Monica made sure her best friend had the nicest, most expensive spot in the entire cemetery, and her grave was beautiful. But it was still a grave.

"I have a lot to tell you. Like, uh.... wait. How do you come out to your dead Mom? Hey, I hope they haven't kicked you out of heaven yet. By the way, I like boys." I sighed, thinking that I sounded ridiculous. "You probably know that already, if you're watching me or whatever. Except, I hope you're not. Cause I've been doing a ton of embarrassing shit.

But, uh, remember Jace? Yeah, so... I'm kinda in love with him. Surprising, right? You're probably annoyed I wasted so much time ranting to you about how evil he is and then ended up falling for him. But I'm just a poor victim of the Jace Effect, I swear. It's impossible to resist." I chuckled to myself, fiddling with my hands. "In all seriousness, though. He's everything, Mom. He's happiness, to me."

My fond expression fell slightly when I thought about everything I'd suppressed. "And there's the other thing. I haven't been to see Dad in forever. The last time was like, July, and it kinda made me have a meltdown. I don't know why I can't do it, Mom. Just looking at him in that bed with all those tubes sticking out of him... I feel so angry. I know it wasn't his fault. But he was your husband. He should've known you weren't okay. Or... maybe I'm just putting the blame on him so I don't have to think about the fact that I didn't know either. That I wasn't enough to make you carry on." I angrily wiped the fresh tears pooling in my eyes. I didn't wanna feel so sorry for myself when I was the one who was still alive.

"But it was after you died, too. That's what I hate him for the most. He just left me and Katherine to grieve by ourselves. We were kids, and we were alone. He couldn't even meet my eyes, because they're your eyes. My own father couldn't look at his fourteen year old son without wishing you were there in my place. So, visiting him in hospital... it just hurts. And I should grow up. I should forgive and forget and move on. But sometimes when he looks at me, I think he's looking for you."