dressed to kill ; mcr oneshots

Drowning Lessons

tw; suicide/drowning

Sometimes my mind wanders too far, and I think of unspeakable things. Things that should not be thought of. What does the sea feel like? I ask myself every day, and no, not in the swimming sense. More like - what if you were stuck there? You couldn't lift your head or keep your body afloat, you couldn't breathe like you were so used to. You struggle desperately to stay above the water where all of the air was, but your body is far too cold to let you move your limbs freely. Your body is too weak to let you move at all.

The waves would crash over you every time you manage to lift yourself for a split second, pushing you back down - you would be trapped, you had no escape from the strength of the undertow.

What would that feel like?  I repeat in my head. The subject has been stuck in my head ever since it first appeared as nothing but an intrusive thought, but now it was neverending. It wouldn't leave me alone, no matter how much I attempted to distract myself from the string of thoughts, the ones that left me curious every time. Curious as to what drowning feels like. I tried to tear myself away from said curiosity, but, aforementioned - it always came back, taking over my thoughts like an infestation. The only time I wasn't thinking about potentially lethal things was when I was fast asleep, though most days I was up until 2 AM thinking about it. It kept me awake.

Go to it, my mind repeated against my will, go to it. You'll be free of everything, it'll save you. The oceans will save you.

I hated the water. I always had- I was terrified of it. I was scared for my life every time I got near the water. Yet there I stood, staring down at the deep blue water as it slowly edged towards me, the dark sky contrasting beautifully with the color. I shivered as a cold gust of air blew past me, wrapping my tattooed arms around myself. As the saying goes, you attract what you fear. I let my thoughts get ahold of me, and a tight one at that. I stood along the New Jersey coastline, staring across the large body of water. That was New York, right in front of me. It had never been so vivid, I had never appreciated anything more. I knew these were some of my last moments, I knew these would be my last moments breathing.

I had a dream. A dream of potentially becoming a musician, giving out my art to the world. Showing people what I was made for, what I was born to do. But it was so unpromising, and I had no backup plan to save me if everything came crashing down on me. I would be stuck beneath the rubble, screaming out for somebody to save me, but nobody would come to my rescue. I sighed softly, a blank yet somehow vulnerable look on my face as I gazed across the water, glistening in the moonlight. The sight made me frown. So many bright lights reflecting in the water, so much beauty, yet it was all so ugly at the same time. So many bad things happened in the world, and nobody was around to fix it. All everybody thought was 'Oh, I'm only one person out of billions, I won't make any difference'. If everybody thought that, there would be no change whatsoever, would there? Yes, maybe the world was a little ugly, but it was home.

Or, at least, it used to be. It wouldn't be for very long, to say the least.

Tearing my gaze away from the large city ahead of me forcefully, my legs began to move. I took a small step forwards, causing a panic to rise inside of me. I could feel adrenaline and fear pumping through my veins, but not the good kind. Not the kind you got when you caused mischief with your best friend, not the kind you got when you snuck out, not the kind you got when you were driving at high speeds with your head out of the window. It was the kind that slowly built up inside of you when you knew that something bad was coming, and it was coming soon. The kind you got when you feared for your life, the kind you got when you couldn't stop whatever would be your demise.

And I knew this was it.

I looked back at Jersey for what would be the last time, smiling fondly as sweet memories from my childhood flooded into my head. But that had been torn away from me, my childhood was stolen from me. I was aware of everything. I was aware of everything that went wrong, I was aware that the world was a terrifying and dangerous place.

Shutting my eyes tight, I turned my head back, my legs slowly beginning to move again. I took gentle steps, feeling the sand underneath my feet as they were slowly enveloped in freezing water. I shivered once more, but that didn't stop me. I kept on walking, only getting closer and closer to what would be my end. What would be the sign of my weakness, what would define me. The water was now up to my knees.
My jeans stuck uncomfortably to my legs and I cringed at the feeling of it along with the temperature, dreading what would happen next. It was at my hips.
I stilled my movements forcefully, pleasantly surprised that my body listened to me. This wasn't exactly a choice I could make, it was something I couldn't run away from, it was something I needed. I craved the feeling of water filling my lungs. I sucked in a heavy breath, air filling my lungs instead. I dragged my hands down my face and silently whimpered as I kept on walking, refusing to look at the water as I was slowly surrounded by it. The temperatures didn't bother me anymore, I felt... numb. Both physically and mentally, I was neither happy nor sad. How could I be upset over what I desperately cried out for?

The water seeped past my waist as I sighed in content, seeing as I was slowly getting closer to what I wanted. As it rose higher and higher, the panic that had set in at first slowly faded away. All I felt was relief as it rose to my shoulders and I resisted another shiver, waiting for the water to completely envelop me. I raised my chin to be able to breathe for a few more seconds as I stepped further, feeling rocks dig into my heels painfully. Pushing the pain aside, I pondered how my family would feel. How would they react when they found out I was gone?

I could care less. What I wanted to focus on right now was myself.

That was all it took for me to take the last big step before the entirety of my body was surrounded by water, granting me a sense of safety. But somehow, I felt trapped at the same time. That wasn't a surprise to me, though, who wouldn't feel trapped if they knew they were to drown in a few moments?

I relaxed my muscles as my body began to grow desperate, begging for some more air. I stayed under the surface no matter how much my body ached for oxygen, I wouldn't let it happen no matter how much I wanted to breathe. I had set my mind on this, and I wasn't going to back down anytime soon.

Without thinking, I parted my lips and breathed in, salty water spilling into my lungs without warning. I felt myself beginning to choke, the panic coming back instantly. This was a mistake, a big mistake. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't get myself to move, and I was starting to get dizzy. The water stung my eyes as I gagged, trying to push myself up over the water again. I was panicking - it felt like I was being dragged down into the water by a strong force, and I couldn't win over it. I was trapped.

Slowly, after momentarily attempting to get back up once again, I gave up. It felt like the cold had paralyzed my limbs. An impending sense of doom suddenly washed over me and I realized that I was rapidly losing consciousness as my body slowly stopped flailing underneath the water. It was like the world slowed, my vision going black. All I could hear was static in my ears as I silently sunk to the bottom, lost beneath the undertow.