He's Back

37 - Don't start smoking

Hundreds of thoughts were racing through my head in the speed of light, and I could sense Aiden could tell, as he didn't say anything cheeky, he just waited for my response. My head was about to burst, my heart too, and no, it wasn't from happiness, In fact, I was pretty sure if I was feeling something, it was anger.

I took a deep breath, then a laugh, then another breath. "I don't get it. Do you enjoy torturing me?" I said semi-sarcastically. "If this whole time you've felt those things about me, why the fuck did you not say anything?" I said, pausing for a moment.

 "You act like you hate my guts in school, you bring Lindsay to rub her in my face when you know how I feel about you, and then you tell Jagger this? What the hell is going on in your head? This isn't a choice game where you get to fuck with the characters." 

I told him, realizing I had almost confessed my feelings for him somewhere along the way. "You see? I wasn't scared to tell you I feel something. Why couldn't you do the same instead of letting me feel like a piece of shit?" I told him, waiting for his response. 

He ran his hands through his hair, groaning slightly "It wasn't as simple as that, and you know that" he said, making me go borderline crazy "No, no, I don't know, I don't have a single clue what you're talking about. This is it for me, Aiden, if there's anything you want to say, anything you want me to know, tell me now, because I'm not waiting any longer" I told him, taking a seat in the living room and crossing one leg over the other.

Briefly, a thought went through the back of my head; I reminded myself of my mother, whenever I took too long to get home after a night out. She always waited for me like this, in the living room, her stare shooting daggers at me.

For once, I was the one doing the shooting.

He sighed, fisting at the roots of his hair, and I could tell a thousand thoughts were going through his head all at once. I knew his position was difficult, I did, but I couldn't wait any longer for him to get a grip of the situation, I had given him way too much space already.

He took a seat on the couch placed on the other side of the table, hands on his knees, face hidden behind his palms. I wanted to reach out to him, remove his hands from his face and tell him everything would be alright, but I couldn't guarantee that.

I loved him with all I had, I was certain now, but he needed to make up for his -recent- unacceptable behavior. "Say something, please" I urged him. "I-" he started but stopped himself for a second to think about his words. "I don't want to be your friend. I never did, hell, I've wanted you since I can remember" he started, his eyes capturing mine, and I instantly felt my cheeks heating up.

"Why didn't you say anything?" I asked, thinking about how different things would have been if he had. I wasn't sure whether or not that difference would've made things better or worse, but we've reached a point where it really can't get any worse.

"When? When I watched you get screwed over again and again and wonder if there's anyone out there that will ever treat you right? I was there through all of it, yet you never turned to look at me as anything other than a friend. What was there to say?"

My mind wandered to the moments he was referring to, and he was right. He was with me through every heartbreak, -if you can call it that-, but not once had I thought of him as anything other than a friend.

"I-... you hooked up with every girl in our school, we went out and all eyes were on you. You were always out of my league, Aiden, and everyone could s-"

"Who gives a fuck what they think? I sure don't." he said and my heart fluttered for a moment, before I remembered things had changed since then. "Aiden, I still need an explanation." I reminded him, and he nodded.