Running • Iggy

Wolf

I woke up with a headache that was somehow worse than the headache I had after my panic episode. I groaned involuntarily, bringing my hands up to cover my ears, hoping it would stop the consistent ringing. I felt something beside me and it took a few moments to realize it was Iggy, who seemed quite concerned. "Fuck.." I whispered, flinching at the loudness of my voice. "Why's everything so loud?" I murmured, burying my head into the covers below me to try to shield my ears somehow. Iggy set his hand on my waist. That one small specific movement brought back what I had done a few hours earlier. "Fuck." I said louder this time. "The hell did I do?" I asked, tilting my head to look up at Iggy.

"Was that rhetorical or not?" He asked in a teasing tone, keeping his voice down. "Rhetorical." I murmured, feeling sick. "I'm so sorry." I apologized, feeling his weight shift slightly. "Don't be, now we're even. We both did a stupid thing, back to normal right?" He chuckled. I nodded, but I knew it wouldn't go back to normal for me until I wasn't stressed anymore. I kept pushing back to that excuse, the fact I was stressed or sick. This wasn't me, I didn't feel like that towards Iggy really. Just sick.

"I got you water when you were asleep." He murmured, gesturing to the general direction of the bedside table behind me. I nodded softly, rolling over and noticing there was also some paracetamol there too. "Medicine for you or me?" I asked, blinking away my blurry vision. "You, silly." He chuckled. I quickly downed the meds and the entire glass of water, wincing as I rolled back to where I had been lying before. I was suddenly pulled into a sitting position next to Iggy, not realizing he had even at up. "Mmm?" I hummed curiously, wondering why he had sat me up.

He didn't say anything, just pointed to the window, where white flakes were drifting down. "It's been snowing for hours." He grinned. "I went out in it a little bit ago, is it still actually snowing?" He asked. "Yeah." I smiled, watching as the snowflakes fell. Something hit me hard, the realization that Nudge wasn't here to watch it with us, she had always loved the snow. Usually I could fight off those realizations before they hit, but it got me faster than I could deflect it. I felt warm, wet streaks appear on my cheeks, slipping over my jaw and onto the blanket below. I held my breath to stop myself from making any audible noise, which clued Iggy in almost immediately. "Something wrong?" He asked slowly, reaching over and setting his hand on my thigh. I forced myself to speak in an even tone. "I'm fine, just mesmerized." I laughed, not noticing his hand come up and touch my cheek until it was too late. He frowned, using his thumb to wipe away the tears already on my cheeks. They were soon replaced and I felt so weak for letting them fall in the first place. "Sorry." I murmured, batting his hand away and using my arm to wipe the tears from my eyes. "I'm being dumb." I told him.

"I miss her too, y'know." He said flatly, no emotion in his tone. "Am I being dumb or weak for missing her?" He asked me. The question made me stiffen, because I didn't know how to answer. No, obviously. Is what I wanted to say, but then he would ask me why it made me weak, and I wouldn't have an answer, because I just didn't know. "No." I whispered. He tilted his head so he was facing me, eyes blank and unseeing. "Why am I not weak for it?" He asked. Oh, not what I was expecting.

"Because showing that you miss someone isn't weak, is it? It means you care for them a lot. Emotions are human and normal, it's normal to be worried for someone you love, or to get upset when they're not there with you." I said slowly, then realizing how much of a hypocrite I was. Iggy seemed to recognize my realization, and shook his head. "Why can you say that for me, but not for yourself Citrus?" He asked. "I'm not being accusing, I genuinely want to know so I understand." He was being careful with his tone. "Tell me your thought process on this. All of it, I promise I won't judge you."

I took a deep breath. "I guess it started when I met you." I said slowly. "I realized when I would show bad emotions, you would get more scared. I... I never wanted you to be scared or sad, never, so I kept my emotions low. I never shut them out like I do now, but I kept them lower for you. The whitecoats used to get mad when I would cry too, so I stopped doing that. Then Nudge came along and she would cry whenever I even showed the slightest amount of fear, so I stopped all together. When... When I realized I could actually be emotional later on, when everyone was older... Every time I got upset or scared I felt so weak. It felt wrong, because I had been strong for so long... And then everything got overwhelming. Simple small fear turned into full-blown phobias. Sadness turned into despair. Annoyance turned into fury. I realized it wasn't right for me to be that way, and knew I would look weak to anyone who didn't understand, and I wasn't meant to be weak. I was a tiger who had never cried in the School when people were around for years and years. Now I was out of there, why would I cry? The worst was over..." I was staring at the ceiling, using my arms to support me.