swim || remus lupin

keep on lying

I don't think I was ever quite so nervous as the day we departed from Hogwarts for Christmas break. My chest was tight, my stomach was doing flips, my mouth was extremely dry. I felt the urge to keep moving, but when I was anything other than still I was soaked with nausea.

"What if they hate me?" I feared as the train rolled steadily along.

"They're not going to hate you," Lily repeated, probably for about the fifth time.

"They could hate you," joked Marlene, popping a jellybean into her mouth.

I threw my hands up and then used them to cover my face as I sank into the cushioned seat.

"You're not helping," Lily seethed.

"We've met them," Alice offered. "They're really nice. Even if they did hate you, they wouldn't tell you."

Lily threw a chocolate frog at her.

"They're not going to hate you," she promised.

"They could," Marlene mumbled with a laugh.

I groaned and stood to my feet, feeling antsy and claustrophobic.

"Where are you going?" Lily asked as I eased open the door.

"I don't know," I muttered. "Out."

I pulled the door shut and turned down the hall of compartments. The carpeted floor below me was still, but I could feel the train rushing down the tracks, moving me slightly off balance.

I pushed through to the back, looking for the bathroom. Instead, a door to my right slid open and I was yanked into the last compartment.

"Squid!"

"Jesus, James. A little warning?" I steadied myself and head a hand over my chest.

I took a spot next to Peter, who was picking from a mess of assorted candies which were purchased with the money he earned from the bet on when Remus and I would officially get together. Sirius was on the other side of the pile, but seemed entirely uninterested in the food and instead had my cassette player and headphones on.

"Which tape are you on?" I asked him.

"Your Queen selection," he grinned. "Smashing."

Across from me sat James, who was fidgeting happily and glancing all around, and Remus, who had an open book in his lap.

"Aren't you excited?" James asked. "No school, finally."

"She's nervous my parents will hate her," Remus said with a laugh.

"Hate you? What for?"

"Anything!" I insisted. "I'm easily hateable."

Now they were all laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"Syd, I think you're the least hateable person ever," Sirius promised.

"And don't pull the mermaid card," Peter spoke, intercepting my exact words. "Because their son is a werewolf so it won't matter."

Remus and James nodded earnestly. I rolled my eyes.

"They still could."

"Sure," said James. "But they won't."

I groaned. 

"C'mon, love," said Remus. "You're going to make yourself ill."

"Whatever," I grumbled. "When I show up to James's a week early because I've been banned from the Lupin's I don't want to hear about it."

"I'll have a bed ready."

The train surged forward, blurring past the white snow and bare trees with no remorse. I could hear my heart pounding over the sounds of the four hyper boys in the compartment, their conversations no more than echoes. I wasn't even sure I was breathing until Remus's voice spoke up.

"I should do my rounds," he said, slipping his book closed.

I looked up at him but said nothing. He let out a laugh.

"Would you like to come?" I nodded eagerly and we slid out into the hallway together.

"I don't know why you're so nervous," he said with amusement as he peeked into each compartment. I shrugged.

"I've never met any parents before."

"Never?"

"Like, my friends, sure. But not for a boyfriend," he smiled.

"I'm your first boyfriend?"

"I mean there was Sirius," I said dryly. He laughed.

"Sirius doesn't count."

"Why not? What if we were in love?"

"You weren't."

"How would you know?"

"Sirius told us he was gay last week."

There was a pause.

"I turned Sirius gay?"

"I don't think that's how it works," Remus laughed.

"Okay, but I was his last relationship with a girl," I analyzed. "And then after dumping me, he's gay."

"I mean we've always suspected," Remus said, apparently finding this very funny. "Why do you think I was so mad when he asked you to Hogsmeade?"

"I don't know. Because you had feelings for me?"

"Nah, don't flatter yourself," I pushed him on the shoulder. "I just didn't think he was all in."

"I don't know how I feel about this information."

"Aw, don't worry," Remus laughed, using one hand to push my cheeks together. "It all worked out, didn't it?"

"No," I stated. "Because now I have a boyfriend with parents who are going to hate me."

"They will not hate you."

________

A/N

ugh this one is so short too i j can't get into the writing rn because my brain is mush from all the schoolwork.

the next one will be better, i just needed this little filler to get there.

also (for those of who who didn't see the comments of my recent tik tok) what did you think my name was when i first posted w my face in it? @cxmi1a has me interested now...

song: keep on lying - tame impala

how i think it applies: it feels like how i'd describe this type of nervous anxiety. so many moving parts and abstract sounds, especially around 2:15 with the talking and overlapping background noise

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3uIilURPYXouyAzxQuBr4L?si=tLfGI5MFSeSY_Y0yLWDPlA