STAY

A/N an apology

Hi, peeps. 

I love you all very much and I feel that you all need an explanation.

Warning: Mentions of past sexual abuse, trauma, and harm.

Sorry, I have been gone so long! Gosh, it has been a while hasn't it! Everything just caught up on me and I broke down. If it was just school I had been dealing with I would have posted sooner but unfortunately, it was not just Uni. In the last couple of months, someone who hurt me very deeply walked back into my life and brought back a lot of physiological and emotional trauma that I have never properly dealt with or felt ready to deal with. I got really depressed and didn't even have the energy to eat sometimes, let alone get out of bed or take care of myself. I was in so much emotional pain and nothing I would do would help. All my thoughts of guilt and pain were screaming in my head and I would blast music or sleep just to make them go away. I scared the crap out of my boyfriend a couple of times (I wasn't suic!dal or anything I would just get very emotionally detached) he has been such an amazing person In my life and I am so grateful for him. I couldn't even cry, I soon became extremely paranoid and my anxiety got so much worse. I eventually got the courage to talk to my boyfriend and two of my closest friends about it and they were all so supportive, I love and appreciate them so much.  I was so afraid of the judgment of people that the idea that they would be supportive of me didn't even occur to me as a possibility. So when they did respond in that way I felt so much better. Another person I am so grateful for is my mom. She knew about one such event of sexual abuse from the individual that tried to walk back into my life but, there were other times that I had never told her about from a different individual. I was in grade 1 at the time (I was 6 or 7) and the individual convinced me that If I ever told anyone she would make sure I had no friends and that it was my fault. I believed her. I felt and carried the guilt of that for 11 years and only finally had the courage to tell my mom about it. And she responded as any amazing mother should, she told me she loved me and that she was so proud of me for telling her because it was something she had never had the courage to do. She let me talk it out and get all 11 of those years of guilt off my chest. After 11 years of guilt and pain, I finally feel ok. I feel so relieved and I am slowly getting better. I started to realize how much all of that trauma had been affecting me and my relationships. When I first started dating my boyfriend of 2 years (Although we both have had crushes on each other since we were 11) any time we would hug me unexpectedly or go to hold my hand I would have miny panic attacks and have to remind myself that he was a safe person and that he would never hurt me, and he never has, he has been so patient with me and always checks in with me to make sure he isn't making me uncomfortable, he is honestly the best human being alive!

Anyway, with all of this, I wanted to leave you with one last thing that I know a lot of people say. But I need you to get it into your heads!! 

Abuse is NEVER your fault. 

NO ONE deserves to be abused.

NO ONE, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE is entitled to you or your body.

Please! Please! If you have been hurt reach out to someone you can trust. I know that is hard especially when you don't think you can trust anyone.

I don't know many of you but I love every single one of you so Fcking much! You all deserve the world and to feel safe and happy.

If you ever need someone to reach out to, shoot me a message. I will try to be able to chat with you if It is comfortable for me.

Again, Thank you so much everyone for sticking around.

I love you 3000! 

Until next time, yours truly,

Hearthstoneblitz