Cassie

Prologue

"And I find it kind of funny, find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had..." 

The song's been playing on repeat for the last hour and a half. I thought about turning it off after the second loop. I didn't. Goosebumps prickled my arms and legs as a cold gust of wind came through my open window. My skin felt like it was burning. The room was dark other than the glow of red numbers on my alarm clock. 2:34 AM. 

I'd been sitting here, unmoving for far too long. I kept thinking about getting up. I kept thinking about stopping this before it began. I didn't do either. The only noise was the music, and the quiet hum of cars on the street below. I tried to focus on the cars. The familiar roar of the city just below me. I clung to the noise. Held onto it like a lifeline. It felt like a lifeline. It always did. I leaned my head back against the wall. Salty tears dripped off my jaw. They felt malten against my icy skin. So hot, yet so cold. Inside and out. The song repeated one more time. I still didn't move. 

My eyes lingered on the orange plastic bottle. Little blue pills resided in it, taunting me with my undecided future. I knew they were there. I had tried to forget it. I hadn't been able to. Xavier told me to be careful with them. He'd been the one to sell them to me. At first I only took one every few days. Then I took a few more a little more often. Then too many too often. 

"Their tears are filling up their glasses, No expression, no expression, Hide my head, I wanna drown my sorrow, No tomorrow, no tomorrow..." 

I choked back another silent sob. I didn't want to risk waking anyone up. I didn't need them to watch me do this. Watch me break second by second as the night wore on. I had turned all the mirrors around. Turned all the lights off. Closed my eyes. Tried to float away from everything that weighed down my heavy soul. Tried, and failed. The song started one more time. I felt like I might puke. The ideas that flashed through my brain, made me sick to my stomach. What I would do. What I could do. A car horn outside my window made me jump. 2:56 AM. 

"Children waiting for the day they feel good, Happy birthday, happy birthday And I feel the way that every child should Sit and listen, sit and listen..." 

It's been years since I started feeling this way. This inexplicable feeling of emptiness and affliction. It felt like nothing and everything, all at the same time. I keep thinking someday it'll get better. It never does. It never gets better. It never feels better. Never. And I'm so tired. So tired of fighting, and suffering for a life I didn't even want anymore. I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted everything to stop for a while. Time, emotion. Everything. But that's not the way the universe works. It doesn't abide by my needs or wants. The universe does what it wants and the rest of us be damned. I heard the soft creaking of footsteps outside my door. I still didn't move. 

"Cassie?" My little brother's groggy voice floated through the locked door. I squeezed my eyes shut and leaned my head against the wall again. "Cass, are you okay?" He asked. I took a deep breath and tried to steady my shaky breathing. 

"Yeah Jamie. I'm okay." I lied quietly. I was grateful that I had remembered to lock the door. I didn't want him to see me now, and I didn't want to see him. He didn't deserve to see me like this. He didn't deserve to see any of this. He tried the door knob. 

"Cassie, can I come in?" I knew he was worried about me. Jamie was always worried about me. He was a smart kid. He knew more than I gave him credit for. And that in itself, wasn't fair to my little brother. With as much strength as I could cultivate, I pushed my sagging body off the cold wood floor of my bedroom and onto my shaky legs. I took another deep breath and wiped my sticky cheeks with the back of my hand. Without making a sound, I grabbed my backpack from off the floor and pulled on a sweatshirt over my bare shoulders. I shoved a blanket and a pack of cigarettes into the bag. My eyes lingered on the pill bottle for a little too long. I shoved that in too. I clicked the pause button on my Ipod.