Crossing the Lines

FOURTY SEVEN

Sarah's POV

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The Vampire diaries is, by far, my favorite show.

One of the main ways they kill people in the show is by ripping their heart out. I've always wondered what that would feel like.

But now I know.

I know because I feel like I've had my heart ripped out a million times since he's been gone.

When you think of mourning someone, you think you'll have grief for a few days but then one day you'll just wake up and it'll be gone. That's not the case though. It's not because whenever I start to feel better, I start to think the pain is subsided, my heart is once again ripped out at the thought of him.

Whenever I make it out of bed, whenever I eat a full meal, theres only one person I want to tell. Even when I'm drowning in grief, theres only one person I want to comfort me. Ben. The one person I want by my side, the one person I want to tell everything, is the one that is no longer here.

I don't know how much longer I can keep going on like this. Regardless of how I feel, I can tell I bring down the others as well. I know they want to help, they want to see me happy, but their looks of pity just make it worse. When they say they're sorry it just makes me want to scream.

One of the things I think about the most is the times I took for granted. When he would try to hold my hand, but I wouldn't let him because other people were around. When we would wake up in the morning and he'd beg me to lay there for five more minutes, but I'd get up anyways. 

Now I'd give anything for five more minutes with him. Five more minutes of love, five more minutes of happiness, five more minutes of memories. I feel like I'm constantly replaying every moment we spent together, but that brings me more comfort than reality.

It pisses Ace off more than anything, but I keep praying that he's still alive. That maybe he's just being held captive. Hell, I pray that he escaped and just ran away, wanting to leave us all behind. I'd rather him be alive and not want me then dead. That's not Ben, though. He would never leave Ace behind, he'd never leave me behind.

I remember one night, we flew to Paris for a mission. The others went to a hotel after, but Ben took me to see the Eiffel Tower. After, we went to the Pont des Arts bridge. I was so busy admiring all of the locks, I didn't even realize that Ben had brought one with us. It had "S+B" engraved on it. We put the lock on an open spot and threw the key into the river. He kissed me so passionately I was breathless. Ben told me that night, "I'll love you till the lock breaks". We actually went back a few months before Hannah came and, sure enough, it was still there.

Now I want nothing more than to go back and break that lock to pieces. Everything reminds me of him, it all makes me sick with grief. One night, when everyone was asleep, I took all of his things to the back yard and lit a match, ready to burn it all. I couldn't go through with it though. I ended up crying for an hour before taking everything back inside.

They wanted me to go on the mission to save Hannah, but I couldn't go through with it. My best friend deserved to have the best people come save her and, honestly, I couldn't trust myself. Would I purposefully screw up the mission or stand in the way of a flying bullet? Probably not. But would I regret it if I didn't make it out alive? absolutely not.

Oliver texted me and told me the mission was successful. I was glad Hannah was okay, truly. I don't think I could take losing another person right now. There was a small part of me, a part of me I despised, that made me bitter. Not because she was alive, but because Ace got the one he loved, but I didn't.