𝐓𝐄𝐀𝐂𝐇 ME|| 𝐓IMOTHÉE 𝐂HALAMET

23 || i'll try

I woke up. I saw Timothée above my bed. I smelt lavender and tangerines. I looked ahead and I saw my view. I was home. His eyes softened. 

"Hey." I heard his voice and started crying. "Please don't cry darling. Cara, you're okay - I promise. We got you home. Don't you remember?" I heard his voice. The more I recognised it, and felt emotions the more I cried for the grief of having not have. 

He held my cheek and brushed his thumb over my cheek. I could feel the coldness of his silver rings on the back of my neck. I could see his smile. He was so bright.

"I'm so sorry." Was all I could whisper.

"It's okay. Hey, you're okay now - so it's all okay." He looked away and when I saw his face turn back the skin under his eyes was glossy. 

"I wish you never saw that." My voice sounded a little weaker. 

He sat down on my bed. The fresh bed sheets, my favourite bed sheets, and my blanket with little flowers embroidered that mum made for me when she was pregnant. Grandma always put these bed sheets out when I came home.

He held my hand and I squeezed it to let him know, that I could feel him. That I was here now.

"What happened Cara?" His voice broke a little. He looked at my free hand tracing over the daisy petal threads.

I focused on the flowers.

"I'm not sure. I guess we both hid things from each other ... Mum died when Lucie was six. We were both with her, in hospital. I thought I was okay - I don't know." I spoke.

I couldn't look at him. Not in the eye. I didn't want to see how broken I could make him. I was scared of myself and what I could do to the people I loved. I've always been that way, with Lucie and grandma. Everyone.

"I'm so sorry Cara." He spoke. He looked ashamed. Ashamed that he didn't know what else to say. 

I smiled a little. I knew he wouldn't know what to do. "Me too." And that was okay.

I sighed, I looked outside to see our swing - that was far too small for me now, knocking back and forwards a little in the wind. I looked at the sky outside and I could see it would rain.

T didn't move. He looked at me. We made eye contact for a second but that was all I could manage. I looked back at my hand that was in his lap. 

"I don't want this to end Cara." I looked in his eyes. 

"It has to Timothée."

"Why?"

That was a brilliant question. One in a few months on I would swear into the sky. Why? Why not now? Why not ever?

"Because I can't do this." Was the only answer I really knew.

"But I can help you, I can try. I want to try."

I bought his hand to my face and brushed my cheek with his knuckles. He looked so exhausted. I couldn't do this to him again.

"I need ... I just can't let this happen again Timothée. Please, please understand. I love you, I'm just - I just can't be with you. I love you, I really do. But I just ... I just can't."

"Why aren't you calling me T anymore?" Was all he had to say.

"Because I don't believe in false hope. I don't want to promise 'one day' to each other. Even if this is all. This was beautiful." I looked at his wonderful face. There were no tears. We looked at each other. We saw each other. We knew each other. 

I love you. 

The only sentence that I could think. For years that would be all I thought when I would see him.

"I'm going to miss you so much Cara." His voice was clear and true.

"I know. Me too." I must be brave for him. I thought. I patted his hand awkwardly. Neither of us ready to say goodbye but both of us knowing he needed to leave. 

"Alright, well. I guess I'll go back to my home then."

He got up. The absence of him next to me, nearly caused my smile to falter but I couldn't let it. I had to let him be okay. I couldn't hurt him even more.

He turned to face me at the door. My Timothée. I tried to breathe.

"Cara. You have to stay alive okay. You just have to." He said.

I nodded. "I'll try." I gave him a pathetic wave. When I heard the door close. I closed my eyes. Lucie came in and I held her. 

Oh love, why are you such a cruel thing to wish for?

Hey guys, I can't tell if I should end THIS book here and write another one for the next year? xx

Let me know what you think, as always - I love you and thank you for reading.

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