Fighting For What's Missing

35.

Later that day...

After playing outside for an hour or two and watching Monster Inc, Agnes took a pill. Fifteen minutes later, she was passed out in my arms. I carried her upstairs and settled her into bed. A part of me was glad we didn't goodbye, I hate goodbyes, but then I'm hit with the painful reminder that when she wakes up, I won't be there.

Charlie's waiting outside with a beer in his hand and a cooler at his feet. "You should've brought Robbie with you!" He shouts as I climb out of my truck.

"Kid has work tomorrow!" I call back. "We all do!" I join him on the bench and grab a beer from the cooler. "One drink." He eyes me carefully as I grab his beer opener and open my bottle. "What?" I asked annoyed. He's still staring.

"You haven't had a drink since...it's been a while, Will. Did something happen?"

I take a few sips of my beer. "Agnes called me her dad."

His face lights up and he smiles at me. "Congratulations, man."

"Yeah," I nod then chug down half my beer.

All amusement-and what seems like all happiness-vanishes from his face. "I thought...I thought that's what you wanted. I mean-" he sits up and leans closer to me "-why else would you turn your entire life upside down?"

"I thought this is what I wanted, but you saw how I was before-"

"What the hell are you talking about?" He snaps. "I see what you are now, and I know Agnes is better off with you raising her."

I finish my beer and place it on the ground near my foot. "Growing up, I had gotten into more fights than I did my homework. I used to drink almost three cases of beer every two days. I smoked weed whenever I felt like it. I'm impulsive, reckless, fucking stupid-I've already cursed and flipped a woman off in front of Agnes. I'm that fucking stupid. I never had a real girlfriend, the closest thing was Julia and even after I moved in with her, I continued to sleep with other women. How is someone like me supposed to raise a little girl? I read somewhere that girls tend to date boys that remind them of their fathers." I shake my head. "I don't want Agnes to be with someone like me."

Charlie stares at me like I'm a mad man then bursts into laughter.

"Fuck you, man," I groan. "You don't have any kids."

"Do you hear yourself right now?" He continues to laugh. "Will," he reaches down as his laughter dies, grabs my bottle then holds it in front of me. "You didn't finish your beer."

"What  the  f...?" I snatch the bottle from his hold. There are probably two or three ounces left of my drink. "I finished it," I say firmly.

"You may have thought you did because you're scared of being a father, but because you're already one and know you can do better, you didn't."

Without thinking, I throw the bottle across the lawn and street. The sound of it shattering into a thousand pieces makes me realize what I've done. "Fuck! I'm so sorry!"

"Impulsive, huh?" Charlie laughs. "What the hell was that?"

"I dunno!" I snap. "You're right, and I don't want you to be!" I jump to my feet and begin to pace the porch.

"You're putting too much thought into it."

I shake my head. "I can't fuck up Agnes' life. She deserves so much, more than I could ever give her."

"William!" Charlie grabs and yanks my arm down, forcing me to return to my seat on the bench. I glare at him through the corner of my eye. "Just breathe, okay? Listen...if anything you just said was true then why is she with you? Why does she want you to be her dad?" My eyes pool with unexpected tears, and I quickly shut my eyes and wipe away the tears that escape. Charlie places his hand on my shoulder and firmly grips it. "Do you love her?"

I nod violently. "I'm just terrified of losing her-"

"You're not."

I look at him. "What if David wants to be in her life? You were right about Falyn, she only wanted Agnes to sleep in a bed. What if she wins her rights back?" He sighs heavily through his mouth. We're quiet for a moment-probably because Charlie knows I'm right and have reasons to worry-then exhaustion towers over me, drowning me in its shadow. "You know what? I'm tired, and we got work in the morning. I'm going to sleep." I stand up and walk inside. I collapse on the couch then p a s s o u t.

*********

The next morning Agnes woke up late so we didn't have much time to talk. "We're leaving now," she said, "I love you, daddy."

"I love you too, baby girl. And please, try making a friend." I was already at work by then, and the guys, being the kids they are, made awe faces when I said that. I gave them the finger.

Agnes
Later that day...

"Here you go," the woman behind the desk smiles brightly as she hands me a nail wheel display. When Tisha picked me up from school, she took me to the nail salon. I wasn't that thrilled about getting my nails done at first, but now looking at the colors they have, I'm okay with it. I point to the baby blue that reminds me of the sky. The woman nods, opening the drawer on her left.

I turn to Tisha. "I wanna show daddy."

She smiles, and for a moment I think she's going to cry again. "He's at work but we can take a picture and send it to him."

"Okay."

We decided at the last moment to get our toes done too, but it felt weird, and I asked the woman to stop. I just sat there while Tisha got her toes actually done. We took pictures when we got in the car, but Will...daddy didn't text back until we got home.

Will: You should've asked me first

"He means well," Tisha says, caressing the back of my head.

"I know." He always does. "Can I do my homework in the kitchen?" Tisha nods, and I run to the front and grab my bookbag.