Dear Park Jay ⚊ Letter Series #1

letter twenty five

Dear Daddy,

I used to think as a kid that you were only at the other side of the world they called heaven, but as it turns out, it's not even a country like I once thought so and now that I am old enough to understand what happened to you thirteen years ago, it made me sad for my mommy at your lost.

Now I know why my stepdad, Papa Heeseung told me that he's only second best to my mom's heart because even then, you had been and always will be the first one for her.

And there are times, I'm certain I can hear the sounds of her heart breaking whenever I asked her about you and always will Papa Heeseung is the one to volunteer to tell stories about you.

All my life, I was surrounded by your friends who were now all a legend in their careers and all the time they were there to visit me, they never stopped to remind me how I looked just like you. It can get irritating sometimes, but I will never forget how my Grandma from your side, her eyes lighting up in joy to see me in her last days and Eomma told me because she thought I was you, that in her last breath, you're finally there to take her with you in heaven.

Now maybe we could all imagine that you're watching me with her and she'll begin to tell you how much I was curious about you. How much I never stopped, not even once, to imagine what it would be like had you continue to live.

And a father was supposed to be the first guidance any child could ask and need.

But you didn't. You couldn't. And yet, I am imagining sometimes of the what if's whenever I see your videos in youtube or in the files that Eomma saved for me to see one day.

I imagined you from teaching me how to walk, to throw a ball in the backyard, how to cook and be nice to everyone and I wanted to try dancing while I'm on top of your feet, then to show me how to stand on my own after slipping on a stone.

A father's job is not only to protect his little boy, but also how to show how to do it himself, when one day, he is not around anymore.

And you never once did present to all the important part of my life, but why do I still love you? Why do I want nothing more in the world than to get an opportunity to see you?

Even if Papa Heeseung was always there and had never fails to be a loving father, I never stopped looking for you and asking why did you have to die.

Did you know, Dad, that in my every birthday before I blow the candles, my only wish is always the same? My wish is to see you, even if only in dreams, so that maybe the missing part of me could be mended and what I want the most is to feel your warm hug.

Your death has been a myterious doorway for me with so much painful grieving over the person I never got the chance to meet. Heartache that I never knew was possible and mysterious because how could I be extremely sad over you who died too soon even way before I was born?

And sometimes it is gut wrenching pain for me to feel the signs of you being there. Like the other day, my sister from Papa Heeseung accidentally plays one of your songs then when it comes to your line, I felt a faint brush on my cheek. I knew it was you and I started sobbing getting Eomma's attention from the kitchen and she asked me why?

I wish I didn't told her, then maybe I wouldn't see her cry again because of you. She never cried that much, really but when it comes to you, she always does. She still loves you that much, dad.

And one day it happens for me to see Papa Heeseung cried again and again when we're driving down to visit your grave and we can smell this certain perfume in the air as we walked there together. For a moment, we can feel you joining us in the walk and it gives me shivers at the thought of you only being so close, yet so far from the touch.

Whenever a beautiful fluffy white feather in the most unlikely places crosses my path, I smile because I know it's you sending me love from above.

They said there is so much of you in me that it frightens Eomma sometimes. I have your sense of humor, and share your habit of being the life of the party. My Uncles from Enhypen is always telling me how I have your eyes and your heart and the one I can be proud about, Uncle Hoonie never stopped commenting on how impressive that I got your sharp jaw that he was envious about back then.

They said you loved people and seeing them all as your equal. You were so considerate and caring to everybody that you were closed to. You were so sefless it leads to your death.

And I aspire to be you someday. You're never going to believe it, but even if I never met you, you are the person I looked up to the most.

These days I'm counting down until the day we were going to visit you again and everyone would be there. From my grandmas and grandpas, to your friends from your work and me and Eomma and Papa Heeseung with my sister, Joy.

And I wish if you only had lived to see through it all that I would be able to hear your voice, to hear the laughs you would've make over my clumsiness. I wish to see your smile, your eyes and everything that looks like mine.

I have you to thank for this wonderful life that you gave me and mostly thanks because you were my father and you'll never stop being one even in death.

I now wonder how can I possibly survive the thirteen years without you in my side, smiling and laughing to remind me how to cherish the meaning of time. Even though I never met you in the first place, I still see your face in the mirrors and I can still feel your love.

You're still with me in my laughters, my smiles, my tears and in my letters like this.

Love never dies, it simply evolves.

Keep looking down on us, Dad. I will continue to lift my face to the heavens searching for you.

Thank you for being the one who gives me life in this world.

love, baby Jay. ××