Alone

Apart: Part 1

The next morning I woke up with unbearable cramps, that left me unable to move. Judging by the way I felt like getting drained, I figured I must've started my period. That would also explain my sensitive abdomen from yesterday. I had to wait for about ten minutes until the pain calmed down enough for me to go to my bathroom. There was no way I could go to school today. I felt all dizzy and nauseous, as if I would throw up any second and as I reached my hand out for my toothbrush, I did.
This wasn't fair.
Why did women have to go through so much pain in their life?
I felt like dying on the first day of my period and really had to pull myself together on the second. Truly the worst punishment on this planet earth. Getting pregnant and avoiding my period for a couple of months truly sounded heavenly in these moments, but then I remembered that I would have to give birth, which was even more painful. Probably the combined pain of nine missed periods or worse.
No, thank you.
I wasn't signing up for that anytime soon.
I flushed the toilet after finally stopping to vomit and quickly brushed my teeth before I slouched over to my closet. There was no way I could make it through the day without being as comfortable as it gets. In other words, I wore the most comfortable sweater I owned, no pants, because the waistband only applied unwanted pressure, and fluffy socks. Next up was a hot bottle and tea to warm me up from both inside and out. I couldn't stand up for long or else I would've gotten dizzy again, so I laid on the ground while I waited for the water to boil. What a miserable life. At least this explains why I was extraordinarily moody and emotional in the past days. The position I was in reminded me of the one I had in Jungkook's drawings, so I sat up and leaned my back against the counter. I didn't want to think about him today. It was utterly confusing to say the least. Not knowing how to act around him when we weren't having sex was one thing, but how to behave when I was on my period and not able to have sex with him was a whole different story. We had no reason to meet up and yet I still wanted to be with him. Having him cuddle with me and cheer me up with his stupid jokes or pick up lines... No, it wasn't right. This was pretty much exactly what I asked for, a reason to be alone, figure things out and reevaluate our relationship. Now was the time, I guess. I took my hot bottle and raspberry tea back to my bedroom and laid down in the next best position, that didn't have me screeching in pain. Staring at my closed curtains, I let out a sigh and twiddled with my thumbs.
This was harder than I thought.
Shouldn't the fact that I was already thinking about him tell me everything I wanted to know?
On the other hand, he was the only person I talked to regularly and happily so.
Who else would I be thinking about?
Ugh. Frustrating.
I wondered if he ever felt the same about me. His notebook clearly showed that he thought about me even when we weren't together, but does that mean anything? What if they were just drawings to him? Just colorful lines on paper? Something he did out of boredom at times because he had nothing else to do and I happened to cross his mind? That was unfair. His work deserves a lot more credit and respect than that. He also seemed very passionate, so it had nothing to do with boredom. But what are the chances that it had something to do with me or more specific, his feelings for me? He could be with any girl he wants - and possibly even is - so why would he like...me? I'm nothing like the kind of people he usually surrounds himself with. Could that be something that he likes though? If I was the first and only person he felt comfortable enough to share his feelings towards baseball with, I must have something that his other friends don't. Maybe I'm special to him... Or he just told me about it because he needed to get it off of his chest and knew that I wouldn't talk to other people about it, simply because I barely talk to others at all. Perhaps he just took his chance and made a onetime confession.
It didn't feel like that though. Jungkook seemed like he felt trapped in his current situation and the circumstances, and specifically chose me to open up about them. Like he wanted me to be the person he could trust with these kinds of things. And I liked that. Sadly, that was just one weak moment. It didn't change anything about our agreement. He didn't want me to be his girlfriend or mentioned something about feelings for me and I'm not saying that I would want that. Or do I? What would change if we were to be in an official relationship? Aside from the fact that the entire school would gossip about us, how would things change? We would publicly show affection towards each other and spend even more time together. What would his friends say? I'm fairly sure that most of them would be surprised, but ultimately don't care that much. Jimin however, would probably lose his mind a bit. That'd be funny to watch, but I didn't want to ruin their friendship. I'm not saying that I was able to do that, but I felt like we had a fragile balance in our current situation and something would drastically change either way. Whether it was between Jungkook and I or in our private lives, it was a lose-lose situation, wasn't it? Either our relationship turns to something we don't like anymore or the outer influences ruin it for us. That's definitely something I don't want. Was it better to end things then? Call it quits before I get severely heartbroken? Wouldn't that imply that I was developing feelings for Jungkook though? Argh! I don't want to have feelings for him! They only make things more complicated. I guess what's really getting on my nerves was actually that I felt like I was betraying my ideals. I spent months persuading my parents to let me move out to go to a normal high school like other people my age, but mostly to finally be independent. Not even a month later, I met Jungkook and got caught up in this mess. Although we met up in school for a few weeks after that, it still felt like I never did what I actually came here for. There was always someone with me. It's my own fault though. I could've sent him away. If only being with him didn't feel so...right. He lived the life I wanted, was living on his own, following his dream (whether that changed now or not), has lots of friends and although he never had to care and therefore didn't, his grades were fairly good as well. Jungkook is a heartthrob for a reason.
Wait a minute, is that really what I wanted though?
I came here with the goal to finally take my life in my own hands, take responsibility for myself and find friends. Basically everything I was denied of while living with my parents. It only took me a few weeks to figure that most of the people in my school weren't a match for me. Barely anyone showed interest in the same things as I did, there were clear social structures and I didn't really fit into them. I wasn't a nerd or geek, but still enjoyed books and doing well in school. Although I come from a fairly wealthy family and my brothers attended an elite boarding school, I didn't want to belong to the entitled trash bags. Other, rather normal, cliques weren't as hyped to invite the new girl in, especially not after there were these rumors about Jungkook and me, and Jimin started publicly bickering with me whenever he could. I guess I got myself quite an unpleasant reputation...
There was a time when I was sad that things weren't going the way I had hoped them to, but months had passed and I was too stubborn to admit that I was wrong and go back home to my parents. They would happily welcome me but I would feel like...a failure. My attitude switched shortly after Jungkook and I started hooking up in private, the rumors subsided and I was able to get lost in the crowd for the most part. Aside from my daily confrontations with Jimin, I stayed invisible and I liked it. I was able to experience high school like everybody else, rumors, scandals, secrets and problems, only that they weren't mine. The things I heard and saw because nobody noticed me over the past months were truly crazy. They also made me feel relieved and glad that I wasn't actively part of the social circles. People can be so vicious and cruel behind their perfect manicures, designer clothes and fancy cars. I came to the conclusion that they weren't worth my envy or striving. Maybe it was time to realize and admit that my ideals...changed. I didn't want to have countless friends anymore, on the contrary I really enjoyed being on my own, lost in a good book or studying in the library. Or...spending time with Jungkook. He was the only person I truly enjoyed being around, no matter what we did. I didn't have to worry about anything when we were together. At least that was until I saw his drawings. The walls I built seemed to be made of glass in front of him. Jungkook saw right through me, noticed all the details I thought I was hiding from him the entire time. I hated him for doing this whilst admiring him for it at the same time. Well, there's no way I could hate him, but I was...upset? Hurt? Mad? I didn't even know how I felt about him and his work. It was absolutely mesmerizing and if it was somebody else, I would say it was incredible. But it wasn't somebody else. He drew me; captured my darkest thoughts and feelings in this notebook. It was annoying me to the most, that I felt so lost about this situation.
Was there any possibility for me to like that he seemed to know what was going on inside of me?
Because it could make things easier not to have to say things out loud for him to understand?
Ugh.
This was only making everything more complicated. Not only was his behavior driving me crazy but what he thought of me now too. I was barely able to handle his affection when we weren't having sex, since it didn't fit into our agreement. How was I supposed to deal with him being able to read me like a book, whether he knew what the words in it meant or not? Does he even know what he's doing to me with all of this? How he was tearing me apart with this confusion and uncertainty? Why did I even have to be the one to decide how things were supposed to go in the future, how our agreement could possibly develop into a relationship and how that would affect our lives? Jungkook could lose his mind about that as well!
Yeah, right.
As if I could just let it go like that. I wanted to be prepared for whatever could happen, for any possible result. Even if that was impossible.
But what if I could choose?
If the decision was up to me and anything was possible?
Would I want to continue with our agreement like it was right now? Or would I rather be in a proper relationship with him?
Was it better to call it quits, focus on my independence and getting into my colleges of choice, so I could pursue the career I want?
But if truly anything was possible...why didn't I just want a relationship with him that wouldn't interfere with the rest of our lives and allowed me to explore my independency as well as focus on my plans for the future?
Because that would be foolish.
It wasn't possible and therefore not worth striving for, which already implied that I would want that.
I didn't,...right?
A relationship with Jungkook, no more confusion about our feelings or behavior towards each other...?
Why was it so hard to be honest with myself?
It almost seemed like I couldn't even trust my own thoughts, that I would cause a catastrophe if I admitted and committed to something in my head. Although nobody knew of it but me. My eyes had started closing faster than I could make sense of it and I yawned, knowing that I would completely knock out any second now. Unbelievable exhaustion was one of the many common side effects, so I wasn't surprised to be tired again.
If only Jungkook was here to hold me...