ꜰɪʀᴇʙɪʀᴅ |ᴊᴀᴍᴇꜱ ᴘᴏᴛᴛᴇʀ

chapter 22 - insecurities

James and Ember.

Both were people who tried to hide their insecurities. And they both hid them with their enormous egos.

James felt the desire to be loved. It's not like he wasn't loved. In fact he was loved by almost everyone he felt the need to be loved by. And although the slytherins didn't like him, that wasn't even close to who he was worried about. It was the people closest to him, Remus, Sirius, Peter, Ember, Lily, Marlene, even McGonagall. 

And you may think, what are you even talking about, James Potter has everything he could ever want?  And that is true... to an extent. He has everything he could ever want, in materials. And some people can be happy with their lives if all their material needs are met. Not James, he strives for something higher, something that isn't expendable, something he cannot trade for another.

Love, compassion, and friendship.

That is why, when James met the Marauders on the first day on the train, he did everything to make himself seems cool. When Sirius was sorted into gryffindor and practically disowned by his family, James took him in. He introduced Sirius to his family. And they loved him. When the Marauders found out Remus was a werewolf, he was the one who suggested that the group should become animagi. And when they found out that Peter was being bullied by slytherins, James took it upon himself to hex them for everyone to see. Letting the whole school know that he did it and in turn getting detention for a whole month. It might have been better for James to keep those fights anonymous, but James would highly disagree with that statement. 

Now, you might think that he was only doing this for his own good. Which was partially true, but all he really wanted was their undying loyalty and love. But not like Voldemort would want his followers to be in the upcoming time, he genuinely only wanted true love. Whether that be platonic or romantic, it didn't matter to him in the slightest.

While being one of the prettiest girls at Hogwarts, Ember had some insecurities of her own. In her eyes, she would never be enough to anyone, especially to her closest companions. That's why she always pushed herself to look the best, always being nice and inclusive towards people who she thought deserved her kindness, and always striving to have new friends. Specifically her insecurity is called atelophobia, which is the fear of never being enough. And due to atelophobia it is hard for her to make decisions because of the fear that one option will not please someone. So when it comes to feelings, especially with James, she can't sort them out. 

The worst part about not being able to sort out your feelings is the fact that you desperately want to make a decision but you mentally cannot. You can try as hard as you want, but in the end no decision is made, and you end up hurting people you care about even though you thought making no decision would spare them. 

And part of the reason she has this issue is because of her parents. But deep down, we all can tell that it's not Ember's parent's that are keeping this fire alive. It's the fire herself. Right now all she sees are the flames of her overbearing problems, thoughts, relationships, feeling; she sees all of it. 

Now this is something Ember doesn't know; someone is willing to help her put out the fire. But not completely. He's had enough experience with doubting himself, especially when it comes to her. So James is aware of the fact that he cannot be her knight in shining armor. But he doesn't have to be the smoke that stands by as the fire burns everything it touches. So he compromises.

* * * *

Ember and James were both still in each others arms, soaking up what could be their last moment alone before they had to get ready for their last week of classes before the break. 

James was the first one to pull away from the hug clearing his throat as he did so. 

"So uh Holland, have you had breakfast yet?" He asked as he had a shy smile on his face. Having the utter nerve to act embarrassed. Ember stifled a smile as she internally laughed at how James could possibly be so dull.

"James I've been with you for the entire morning. Unless you think I can suddenly run at the speed of light, no I have not had breakfast." 

On that note she decided that was the best time to leave and get dressed for the day, as she was still in clothes that weren't suitable for class. She walked out the door with a smile on her face as she saw the three boys pretend to not be listening in on her and James's conversation. 

"You know boys, eavesdropping isn't very polite." She said to Peter and Remus who sheepishly smiled at her, while Sirius just smirked with no remorse. 

"You know what isn't polite love, leaving me in my dorm alone" James said as he stood beside her, looking down at her with a playful grin. 

"Oh you were fine, plus I have to get ready I have a class in..." she took a glance at her watch "10 MINUTES! Oh yea you boys need to let me get ready otherwise I will absolutely demolish you."

Thankfully, for them, they put up their hands in defeat as they watched the girl full on sprint to her dorm and come out seconds later running the opposite direction. James watched her run like Voldemort was chasing her, "Man I really do love her" he murmured. 

a/n - Yea i definitely lied about when I was coming back, but hey at least there's another chapter. I hope to be updating more often, but this year with an even busier schedule it definitely won't be consistent. Also, 50K READS. WTH. I cannot thank you guys enough for your tremendous amount of support. Hopefully I can continue this story to the best of my ability, but there will definitely be some HEAVY editing in the future.