All of Me

What Does it Matter?

Naomi Monroe

After brunch, Gianni, Eva and I came back to Gianni and I's apartment to hang out before she needed to go to work.

"You sure you don't want me to come and make it rain tonight, Gigi?" Eva teases as Gianni finishes getting dressed.

"I told you it's a private party! Besides, didn't you just get back from partying in PR? You can chill for a night."

"Mhmm," Eva hums. "I guess you right. Mimi and I can turn up here."

"Shut up. Anyway, I'll see y'all later!"

"Let me know if you need us to pick you up," I tell Gianni as she makes her way to the door.

"Will do!"

Once Gianni leaves, Eva and I continue catching up, talking about any and everything. She really is living the life. She travels and parties regularly when she's not giving business advice to her sister or parents. It's interesting because she's super business savvy, but never wanted to take over the company, so she just kind of works behind the scenes.

The other thing about Eva that draws me to her is that despite being the same size as me, she has this incredible confidence that seems unshakable. I hate to be the type of person who is amazed at a fat woman having confidence, because it should be normalized, but society treats us like we don't have any right to feel good about ourselves.

"What's on your mind, Mimi?" Eva interrupts my thoughts of her. "You seem to be blanking out."

"Nah, I'm just thinking about your energy. You're so confident that it feels almost contagious in a way - like it influences your surroundings or something..." I explain. "I mean, I wouldn't exactly say I'm not confident, but I'm definitely cautious and well aware of what other people probably think when they look at me."

"What does it matter?"

"What?"

"What does it matter what other people might think when they look at you? You're the only one living your life and living in your body and experiencing everything that you experience. What others think is honestly irrelevant."

"But we have to care what people think to a certain extent."

"You're right," Eva shrugs. "Emphasis on that 'certain extent' part. Mimi, you decide whose opinions or thoughts matter and those select people should only be the ones who add more good to your life than bad and absolutely should not be 'society' or random ass strangers."

"People can be cruel."

"And? Fuck them. Cruel people are worse than scum and don't deserve any bit of your energy. I know it's easier said than done, but they can be ignored."

"How do you do it?" I question as I lean into her. "How do you carry this unshakable confidence?"

"Hmmm," she hums thoughtfully. "I don't really think there's a one-size fits all type of deal on handling these things. For me, I've never really cared what others think, but my upbringing played a big role in that. My mom and dad didn't set expectations for me beyond business stuff and while I definitely got picked on growing up, I just couldn't bring myself to care about what those kids thought."

"I know this is fucked up," Eva continues. "But, I didn't care about others' judgements of me because I never deemed them worthy of judging me. I put myself on a pedestal for the longest time and it honestly wasn't until college when I met you and Gigi that I got some modesty. I think that way of thinking all my life - albeit a bit toxic - kind of protected me from developing forms of internalized self-hate."