We Said Never (City Series #3)

Chapter 21

I was supposed to die.

Well, six years ago. I was presumed to be dying, everyone thought I was going to die, and then by some miracle, I just.. woke up.

In those six years, there were times that I wondered—what would have happened if I didn't get in that car? If I didn't go that night? If I didn't push him to take me there?

I woke up that day in love, ready to become a mother.

I woke up the next day with no baby growing inside of me, and no Ezra to hold my hand as I mourned.

Shivers. I still get shivers whenever I say his name, whenever I think of him. It feels so foreign, and familiar at the same time. Ezekiel Raia. Moving on from that name was not an easy journey, and neither was healing from the child we were supposed to have.

I still remember that night like it was yesterday. The look on his face. The way he kissed me. The clock that showed 1:58. That was the last time we were together.

At hanggang ngayon.. from time to time, I find myself wearing his black hoodie, hoping he'd call. Hanggang ngayon, sinusuot ko pa rin minsan ang malaki niyang t-shirt para lang mabigyan ang sarili ko ng pruweba na totoo ang nangyari. Totoong minahal niya ako. Totoong magkakaroon dapat kami ng anak.

The beginning was the worst part of it all, though. Kasi hindi naman umalis ng Baguio si Ezra. Hindi rin siya lumipat ng university. I would still see him on campus, but he barely even looked at me. At tuwing nagtatagpo ang mga mata namin, parang wala akong kwenta. Parang wala ako sa buhay niya. He acted as if nothing happened. And the pain was my only proof that it was all real.

And I could not stop crying. In that hospital, I stayed for a month, and every night I cried. Every night, I felt so empty, like I had just lost something that could never be replaced. It wasn't just an emotional thing. Physically, it hurt. Mentally, it hurt. And I couldn't stop thinking that it was my fault.

"Mabuti naman at nag-enroll ka for short term." Ngumiti si Raffy. "At least mababawasan load mo for next year, right?"

Tumango ako. "Grabe, interns na kayo this August.."

"Ikaw rin sana." Ngumuso si Raffy. "Bakit ba hindi ka nag-enroll last semester?"

Tumingin ako kay Vale na tahimik akong tinignan. They didn't call Raffy when we were at the hospital, dahil hindi niya alam na nabuntis ako. They didn't want to worry her.

But I didn't enroll in the second semester.. because I couldn't even find it in myself to go out.

"Academic break. Char!" Nagpilit ako ng tawa.

It was hard to pretend around them. It was hard to pretend that I was okay. The first few weeks after the accident, akala ata nila normal na ulit.. Ezra was normal. He was happy. He was posting on social media.. but I wasn't there yet. At dahil doon, tinago ko na lang lahat ng sakit at lahat ng iyak sa sarili ko.

"Selena?"

Patuloy ang pag-katok ng lalaki sa pintuan. Suot suot ko ang damit ni Ezra. I was sitting on the floor with my knees were tucked under my chin. Tears poured down my face as I tried to muffle my sobs.

"Zach, pasok ka lang. Hindi 'yan naka-lock." Rinig kong salita ni Jaci sa labas.

"I don't want to intrude.."

Binuksan ni Jaci ang pintuan, pero hindi ako lumingon. Zach entered the room, at sinarado 'yon ni Jaci. Kinagat ko ang labi ko at tinignan siya.

When I was at the hospital, si Zach ang bumisita sa akin araw araw, kahit na naka-confine pa siya at kahit nung naka-labas na siya ng ospital, kaya kilala na siya nina Tita.