Starboy

Chapter 23: Lilies

Brandy

I remember when I was a kid, I was so naive. Hell, I've been naive my whole life. I was that kid who still believed in Santa when she was in her preteens years and that kid who believed that she always knew what the right thing to do was.

My mother used to always tell me I was too believing in other people. She told me I had a good heart, good intentions. And she said as much as she loved me for that, she believed I was naive.

She said the world is full of liars, and that movies and television shows lied to us. And it wasn't until she died that I realized how right she really was.

Sometimes I wonder if she would be disappointed in me if she were here. Would she consider me stupid and naive for remaining friends with Benji? Or especially for getting involved with him. I wish she could give me some guidance because lately I've been lost.

I hear a knock at my door as I roll out of bed. Before I say something like 'come in', Benji opens my door.

"Hi," he says quietly.

I stop folding my clothes and look up at him. "Hi," I say back, feeling like an awkward mess.

"Can we talk?" He asks, walking closer to me.

I sigh and sit down on my bed. "Depends," I say. "What about?"

He sits down beside me, a few inches away. "Last night," he replies. "I just want to apologize."

"For what?" I chuckle.

"For... for saying what I did." He admits.

"You don't have to apologize for how you feel about... sex," I say sex shyly. "You were right, I can't expect you to agree with everything I feel."

He thinks for a moment. "So what does that mean for us?" He asks.

"I—I don't know," I answer, running my hands through my hair. "I can't think about it today. Today marks the sixth year of my mom's death," I inform him. "I'm going to visit her with my dad."

"Oh, shit," he says feeling stupid. "I'm so sorry, B. I'm an idiot for not remembering."

I shake my head. "That's okay," I tell him understandingly. "A lot has been happening, I admit even I almost forgot."

"Do you want me to come with you?" He offers. "I know we're kind of weird right now... but I'll come with you if you want. You're still my best friend, B."

"Really?" I ask, needing the support. Benji has never visited my mom with me before. I kind of want him with me today. I've been feeling emotional.

"Of course." He reaches out for my hand on the bed.

"Then yes," I accept his offer. "I would like the support."

I call my dad first to let him know Benji will be joining us. I didn't expect him to love the idea, but after all, she was my mom and I get to decide who is there to support me.

Andrew drives Benji and me to the floral store to pick out some flowers for my mom. She's always liked lilies, so that's exactly what we bought.

As much as I miss Mom, returning to the cemetery is not my favourite thing to do. I don't think it's anyone's favourite thing to do, but it especially isn't mine. It brings back so many painful yet beautiful memories, and feelings I am never ready to reface.

Benji, Dad and I stand above her grave, all feeling the same amount of awkwardness and sadness, I assume.

"Do... do you want to say anything, Brand?" Dad asks me. "Anything you want to say about your mother?"