spite || levi x reader

2 - 3 (nsfw)

A/N: finally hitting the NSFW. have fun folks.

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It feels like there's a bell between your ears, ringing so loudly that you can't see straight. Everything's passing by you like a blur, the walls of headquarters, a few other people walking in the other direction. You have no idea who they are or even where you're headed.

Reiner and Bertolt. Enemies of humanity.

You've lived alongside them for years, sparred with them, ate with them, laughed with them, hugged them, and all this time, they've been responsible for-

Something lightly taps your cheek. "Oi. Snap out of it."

"What?" you say stupidly.

"Get your shit together." You're trying to comprehend what Levi's saying, but his voice is competing with the ringing in your ears. You blink rapidly, trying to refocus. He sighs. "L," Levi says firmly. "Come on. Sit down."

As you blink yourself out of your stupor, you realize you're in Levi's room. You don't even remember coming here. You squeeze your eyes shut and inhale through your nose, then exhale through your mouth. Levi's right- you can't allow yourself to be put off by this. You need to get your shit together.

"Sorry," you mutter.

Levi doesn't reply. You see him take off his coat and fold it up, tucking it away into one of his dresser drawers. "Sit down," he repeats.

You lower yourself to the mattress, sitting down on the edge of Levi's bed. Your fingernails dig into the soft cushion, grounding yourself.

"You want food?"

You shake your head. "Not hungry."

Levi crosses his room and sits down next to you. You keep your eyes trained downwards, studying the floor. It feels like you're starting to settle down; not as much is spinning and you can feel the ringing in your ears subside.

"Can you do it?"

You glance up at Levi. "Can I what?"

"Can you kill them," Levi says, and your stomach immediately feels queasy. "Bertolt and Reiner."

Could you? If you had the opportunity, could you kill them? Just the idea of it makes you feel nauseous. Maybe you'd have an easier time doing it if you'd witnessed the horrors they'd caused- you'd been in a coma and hadn't even completely understood what the man was trying to tell you about walls coming down. They'd killed so many people, caused so much destruction- if it's even them.

That last thought resonates in you. What if it's not Reiner and Bertolt? What if all of this hypothesizing and theorizing is for nothing?

"I would need confirmation," you say hollowly. "I would need proof that these two are who we think they are. Then..." you trail off. "I don't know."

"You don't have to go tomorrow."

"I do," you say immediately, because that, at the very least, you're sure of. You need to be there. "I'm sorry," you add, locking eyes with Levi. In the very minimal lighting left from outside, his eyes almost look dull blue. "I know you don't want me to go, but I..."

Levi reads into your guilt. He reaches his hand up and his fingertips shift over the base of your skull, then up slightly higher on your head. He pulls you towards him and presses his lips to your forehead. "Go," he says quietly as he pulls back, "but come back to me."

You nod. "I promise."

He stares at you for a moment, grey eyes boring into yours. He seems to sense your hesitation, and he raises an eyebrow. Silent question.