83. no forgiveness

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I was awoken to someone shaking me.

As my eyes slowly opened, I squinted from the light. Hours had passed since the group of us had fallen asleep, but it was still late afternoon.

My eyes adjusted to the figure in front of me, and I let out a slow gasp before sitting up in a hurry. "John?"

Murphy gave me a crooked smile as he pulled me into a hug. "Hey, Collins."

I looked to Emori who was next to him, pulling her into a tight hug once Murphy and I had pulled away. "You guys are really here?" I confirmed, afraid my mind was playing tricks on me.

Raven appeared next to us, giving me a comforting smile. "We're here, Aves."

Hugs were given in all directions. Madi latched onto me at one point, looking up at me with a huge grin. Gabriel was here too.

We had all made it...except for one.

I untangled myself from Madi and looked to Clarke. "Where's Bellamy?" It felt like I was holding my breath, terrified that she was going to say that he decided to stay behind.

What she said was worse. Much worse.

Clarke looked stunned at me addressing her. Her chest heaved as she stuttered, trying to find the right thing to say.

"Clarke?" Octavia pressed, her voice higher than normal.

Tears had formed in Clarke's eyes. She was silent for a long moment before she finally spoke. "Dead." She whispered. "He's dead."

Her words hit the entire group like an explosion. Everyone visibly stilled as they tried to understand what she was saying.

This couldn't be real.

I couldn't quite explain the pain that assaulted me, but it went kind of like this; It is the type of pain that rips through your entire body, gripping onto each organ. Your lungs are ripped of their air, your stomach lurches, skin crawls, brain clouds, and your heart, your heart breaks. I swear it was as if it actually broke in two, one piece now lost from the other. That piece was Bellamy, now lost forever.

I had lost him once, or so I thought. Just a day ago I had been told he was dead. But something within me held onto hope that he was still alive. And he was. But now, could I find that hope? Clarke was sure she had killed him, sure he was dead.

"Bellamy?" Murphy verified. "Clarke, he was fine when we left. I'm a little confus--"

His voice sounded like it was miles away from me, but he was actually right next to me. I found it hard to see, hard to breathe, hard to think.

"I killed him!" Clarke interrupted, her words heavy as tears spilled from her eyes.

Murphy was forced to grabbed onto me as I stumbled backward slightly, an overwhelming numbness overtaking me.

Clarke let out a small sob. "I had to."

"Why?" Echo demanded.

"Madi's sketchbook...he had it." Clarke whimpered. "And he knew that she still has the memories of the Commander. She would never be safe." Clarke's eyes shifted to me. "I begged him to stop. I tried to get the book back, but he...I tried everything, I promise."

I held her gaze, harshly gritting my teeth together.

"I'm so sorry." Clarke cried. "I'm so sorry."

Octavia took a few steps forward, her eyes full of tears as she looked at Clarke. And then, before I knew it, she was hugging her.

I couldn't find my words at first, just watched blankly as Octavia held onto Clarke, hugging her and forgiving her easily. I knew I couldn't do the same. Not now, maybe not ever.

𝐒𝐀𝐋𝐕𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍─𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐦𝐲 𝐛𝐥𝐚𝐤𝐞²Where stories live. Discover now