01| Endless Pain and Untamed Thoughts

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"Dear Life: will you at least start using lube?
It still fucking hurts."

ARABELLA'S POV

Perched on the roof of my small run down house, my gaze was fixed on a single star, whose brightness seemed to dominate among the vast multitude of glowing stars, that graced the endless sea of the magnificent night sky.

The darkness of the night appears to be the only thing left in my life and it sometimes feels as if it, too, is slipping away from me, just as everything else has.

This is the one time I can let my thoughts run wild and free, when I can allow them to completely consume me because my thoughts are my sanctuary.

I had found solace in them for years.

Whenever I'm alone, I let myself be entirely devoured by them, as the silence that accompanies it allows me to seek peace.

I mean, there's nothing like a little alone time to appreciate my own company.

Every time I look up at the eternal and ceaseless sea of stars, I couldn't help but try to assure myself that no matter how much darkness expands in the sky, light will always find a way to revolt, and the black sky will always turn blue.

But I'm afraid that I was succumbing to this delusion, a false sense of hope, that someday a light will appear for me, which will rescue me from the darkness of my life.

"You are a monster Arabella—"

My own mother thinks I am a monster, I tried to hopelessly fool myself expecting her to get rid of that notion, but she'll never see me anything more than that, an inhuman monster.

If I really am a monster,

No doubt that I'm doing a pretty shitty job at it,

....especially compared to my own mother.

Thoughts, they say, are the shadows of our emotions and mine were empty, dark and depressing.

A traitorous tear rolled down my cheek as I reflected over my tormented and abusive existence.

Tears, the concept with which I've gotten far too conversant for my liking.

Given the amount of them that I've already shed, I'm surprised that they hadn't completely drained out by now.

With time I've managed to learn how not to cry my heart out, especially since I discovered the meaning of 'suck it up.'

Bottling up those unwarranted and useless emotions that keep fussing about the bitterness of my circumstances, helped me toughen up my overly sensitive soul.

Now there are no more expectations left, just plain hatred.

However, there are times when I just simply can't prevent them from falling out.

They are like a small rebellious army that retaliates more ferociously when I try my best to subdue them.

Life would have been so much easier if feelings had an off switch.

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