33 || the confession

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We were nearly half way through the film and I would have made it if it hadn't been for that damn scene.

Suddenly T was all over the screen and I couldn't avoid looking at those eyes any longer.

His hair was wild and he was pacing around. He looked like he had that day in New York.

He began to speak and as soon as I heard those three words I excused myself to the girls and tried to hurry out of the theatre as quietly as possible.

Once outside my lungs ached for air. I leant against the cool wall outside to try and knock some sense into my head.

I couldn't think. Those words and those eyes and I was gone.

He had shaken me loose all over again. Even just when he was acting.

I lit a cigarette and not until I saw my reflection in a passing car window did I realise I was crying.

I heard footsteps.

"Hey, sorry god, I'm so pathetic aren't I." I laughed and took a drag, figuring it was Viv checking I was okay.

"Years later and it's still the same." I laughed at myself.

"You're not pathetic."

I heard his low and soft voice and I spun around.

His shirt was billowing open just enough that I could see his collarbone, with a precious thin silver necklace wrapped around it.

My mouth hung open and he stepped closer.

The world felt like it had been split in half and I was on the half of it that was slipping off.

After a minute or five or an hour, who knew how long - I finally found my words.

"Hi." I breathed.

"Hi." He smiled.

That small thin little line of a smile, the smile that was half genuine and half petrified to show all of his honesty.

"I didn't run out because I didn't like the movie by the way." I looked at everywhere but him to be able to talk.

If I looked into his eyes this minute I would do unforgivable things.

"It's brilliant, I mean you're amazing in it Timmy." I ran my hands through my hair and finally stood up straighter.

"You've never called me that before."

His voice sounded a little more hollow.

"Isn't that what your friends call you?" I asked, half laughing - but focussing intently on my cigarette.

I threw it away in frustration of its inability to maintain my attention.

He didn't say anything only made sure that my eyes couldn't refuse to look into his.

"You're performance really was amazing Timothée. I mean you played Laurie so well, you'll become everyone's crush after this. You've got the ultimate crush character." I smiled and laughed a little.

"You're first crush." He nodded, remembering. We shared a smile we hadn't in a very long time.

Every moment he made me happy it made my heart hurt more.

He half smiled again at me and stepped closer again. "We only took two takes that day." He continued.

"That scene killed me." He admitted.

"I can imagine - I mean acting that must have been so exhausting." I tried to lighten the conversation once more.

I bit my lip so hard, trying to bite myself back from saying anything other than polite conversation.

"I thought of you when we filmed that."

The statement seemed to make the air billow around us. Like he was summoning a hurricane.

"The first try I tried to act." He breathed in deeply. "And then the second, all I had to do was close my eyes and open them and ... "

He looked me up and down like he did the first time we ever met. "There you were."

He watched me as I inhaled sharply. He couldn't have possibly just implied that.

"I -", I tried to speak.

But I didn't know what to say. I inhaled deeply again.

The air was less dry and I looked at the pavement to see small splatters appearing.

Darkening the concrete.

"It wasn't hard because I was confessing my real emotions. It was hard because it was supposed to be said to you."

The rain was pouring down more heavily and yet neither of us reacted to it. It only reminded me of our first month together and how I hadn't felt like I was home for so long.

Yet here home was.

"You don't have to say anything Cara. I - I just need you to know, now that I know, now that I know how to say it all." His hand brushed over mine, too scared for either of us to hold onto each other.

His touch still filled me with all the uncertainty, excitement, desire, anticipation and comfort in the world.

"I have loved you ever since I've known you Cara. I couldn't help it. And you've been so good to me and I tried to show it to you but you wouldn't let me; now I'm going to make you.

I can't go on like this any longer. "

His shirt had turned purple from the rain and his hair was hanging above his eyes.

"I have waited and I know I'm not half good enough, but I figured maybe one day you'd be able to love me again Cara. Because I love you."

I breathed again. My mind screaming my answer to him and yet my body forbidding it.

Because if I began it would not be possible for this to stop.

"I'm not just saying this because you look ... like an angel, or because you're with him,"

he spat the reference to Harry with venom. "I'm not telling you this because I broke up with Lily because she wasn't you.

I'm telling you this because I don't think I can live and not have you know."

"It hurts so much my heart is in actual pain Cara."

"Cara." He whispered my name like silk.

"I just need you to know, that I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, but I couldn't break you again. I couldn't do that to you and now I know you're doing so well, and I'm so fucking proud of you and in awe of you. And that poetry!"

He exclaimed raking his hands through his hair.

"Do you know how many times I have read and re-read, and slept and woken up with your words in my mind." He laughed out.

"It's like every moment I'm not with you, you consume every unconscious moment in my mind.

I can't think about anyone other than you. I miss it all Cara."

"Every thing we did I don't regret any of it Cara. I don't! I don't regret a thing because,

one day Cara I might get to hear you call me T again.

Or bless the day you might tell me you love me again, or kiss me or let me hold you.

One day Cara. And I live for that. I love you."

He looked at me for an answer.

Surprise consumed my mind. I looked into his eyes and saw it all. Every memory hidden in his eyes.

Before I could speak he turned sharply and walked down the street with his head hung low.

I brushed the wet hair off my face but all I could keep thinking was.

He loves me.

He loves me.

He loves me.

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