Maybe tomorrow

Chapter 42

“I’m sorry. I meant to tell you before, but I promised him, that I would keep it a secret. I didn’t- I never thought he would get himself shot.”, I tried to explain and now, in the probably worst moment, the tears started coming again.
I saw Damien’s face pale.
“

What are you talking about?”
 
It was too late to change my mind, so I took a deep breath even though my throat felt constricted.
 
“The day that Graham came back after going missing… I told you I had seen him across the street, which I did, but he was on his way to the park, and not to the apartment. I- I followed him and I saw him meet with another man. He had a gun.
 
They didn’t see me, but I heard them talking about some business that they were working on. And I’m not talking about anything legal…”
“Why wouldn’t you tell me? What kind of illegal business? I swear, Ally, if anything happens to him and you didn’t-”, he started but I interrupted him, tears streaming down my face. If I wouldn’t finish explaining now, I probably wouldn’t ever.”
“He works for Talia’s father.”
 
It was out, and the words silenced him for a moment, as if he couldn’t comprehend what I had just said. I couldn’t blame him. I remembered my own disbelief and shock.
Damien shook his head. “No. No, he would never work for that man after everything he did to our family. You’re insane.” Anyone would have denied it. He seemed so hurt and angry that it made it even harder for me to get the next few words out of my mouth.
 
“He did it to be closer to Talia.”
He froze again. First there was confusion in his eyes, then, slowly, he seemed to realize what I meant, and the confusion turned into pain, then rage.
“I’m so sorry, Damien. I never thought he take it this far. I didn’t think he would get hurt.”, I stuttered but both were a lie.
I didn’t know either him or Talia very well, but I knew that he loved her, and I also knew that love was making the biggest fools out of even the greatest genius. Ang Graham had already get hurt before. He had already had to watch his brother get engaged with the love of his life once, a second time had just been too much.
And everyone knew that a heartbreak could do even worse damage than physical pain.
 
“He’s been in love with her for over a year. That’s why he’s been avoiding you. I’m so, so-”, I started but with a single motion of his hand he silenced me.
“Don’t! He could be dead. He could be dead, and you didn’t even think about telling me? You knew that he would get himself into trouble and you didn’t tell me!”, he yelled, the sound of his voice increasing by the second.
 
I stepped forward but he flinched, and I let my arm sink again, that I had stretched out toward him. He looked at me as if he’d truly see me for the first time. And he looked disgusted. I felt my heart aching so bad; it would have probably been less painful to just rip it out of my chest. I could barely breathe.
 
“I promised him to keep it a secret.” My voice was barely a whisper.
“You promised me something too!”, he roared, and I nodded, crying desperately.
“I know I just-”
“Just what, Allison?”
“I did it because I know what it feels like to have your heart broken. And- and I wanted to protect you.”
Damien scoffed, before letting out a dry laugh.
 
“Protect me? No, you were trying to protect yourself. Because you, Allison Jacobs, are selfish. You didn’t want to put yourself into this position. You didn’t want to get caught in the middle of it. You keep lying to protect yourself, not others. It’s the same with your parents, and it’s the same with not telling me about Charlie.
But how do you think I feel? All these months I have been trying to figure out why my brother has been avoiding all of us and now I have to find out it was me?
That I was the one who caused him pain? And you, of course thought it would be best to just keep that from me like you kept Charlie from me?”
 
I realized that he was right. I had been selfish. All along I had been the one causing others pain by lying to them even though I had wanted to do the complete opposite. I had told myself that I had been lying for other’s sakes, but it had been just because I had been too scared to get hurt during the process. I hadn’t just been lying to Damien, Celia, my parents, Charlie and Emma, I had also been lying to myself.
 
But that realization came too late.
“Leave.”, he said while he turned away from me. His voice was flat, but I could tell he could barely stop himself from completely snapping.
Still, I didn’t want to leave him. But I had to. I had no right to be here anymore.
Sobbing, I turned around and started stumbling towards where I thought was the elevator. But to go there, I had to pass the waiting room.
 
With my head facing the floor I rushed past it and the elevators came into sight.
I heard the door swing open behind me and Clary started yelling my name, but I doubted she would want to talk to me ever again after Damien would tell her the truth.
 
“Ally, damn it, wait!”, she yelled but I had already reached the elevator, hammering onto the buttons, knowing full on well, that the elevators wouldn’t move faster. I looked around; Clary was coming closer.
 
Finally, the elevator arrived, and I squashed myself through the doors before they had even fully opened. The elevator was empty besides me, so I started hammering on the buttons again. It was my luck that my keys and wallet were still in my jacket pocket.
Clary was only feet away.
 
The doors closed, and I broke down.