Sunflower Reviews

Chelsea - Cupid's Broken Arrow

Reviewer: MrsCLSmith

Review: Cupid's Broken Arrow

Client: Vamprixussa

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Cover:

I really like the aesthetic of the cover. The neon pink on the dark brick background looks great. The glow effect really pops. The cover is definitely eye-catching in this way. My only concern is that the title and author's name aren't on there. Again, I really like how it looks, but I think adding those two things might be a good thing to consider. It'll make it look more polished and professional.

Title:

The title is good. It makes sense and fits the plot that I've read so far really well.

Blurb/Summary:

I really like the poem. It's fun and memorable. I haven't seen something like this utilized often in Wattpad descriptions, and I think it's a smart choice. However, I do think you should change the question at the end to a more succinct description of the plot. The "Will they learn to be stronger or will their hearts always remain broken?" line feels like it's missing something. Will they learn to be stronger than what? The power of the arrow? Their wants? I just think it might be a good idea to include a bit about the plot that's easy to understand and will draw readers in. Also, this is just personal opinion, but to me, the fairytale line, while funny and catchy, also feels a little out of place. It doesn't really have anything to do with the story to me.

Writing Style, Grammar, and Mechanics:

Your writing style is nice and easy to read. I think your narration has a strong voice, and the choice to do first person for this story works well. Also, the way you add in a lot of Drashelle's inner dialogue, while sometimes a little confusing, makes this a super unique read. Personally, I would perhaps cut back on some of it that isn't necessary to the plot, but on the other hand, it is what made this story really stick out for me. Maybe just making the thought process a bit more clear and separate from the narration would help with some of the confusion? Because the story is written in first person, which is already well suited to introspection within the story, the jumps to this inner dialogue felt a little unnecessary at times. Again, I enjoyed the voice of your narration and the introspection. I just got confused by her literally talking to herself occasionally.

The grammar and mechanics could use some TLC. I think at times the language contributed to some of my confusion. It's not so bad that I think it will turn readers off or anything, but I do think it might be a good idea for you to try Grammarly or Prowriting Aid when you edit. The errors that I saw most often were punctuation (missing commas, semicolons, etc.) and dialogue format, so either of these softwares would definitely help you spot those and make suggestions on how to fix them. Personally, I don't think grammatical errors are a huge deal unless you're considering traditional publishing or if the errors are so many that they make for a difficult read. In the case of this story, I really don't think you have much to worry about, but it would be nice to polish it up with a good proofread or run it through some editing software.

One thing I think you will likely have to fix yourself unless you find an editor is the verb tense jumping. You move from past to present and back to past again a lot which is kind of frowned upon when it isn't necessary. It's an easy fix. Just give it a read through, and where the verb tense isn't present where you aren't telling an anecdote or something about the past, make it present.

Plot:

I like the plot so far! I know I've only read a few chapters, but I found what I did read to be very much enjoyable. The setting is realistic and reminiscent of a true teenage experience, and I like that the fantastical elements feel very muted, adding to the realistic high school vibes. The plot so far has been really chill, making for an enjoyable sort of slice-of-life read. Following Drashelle through her daily life, experiencing her lessons, familial relationships, and schoolboy crushes through her eyes, it's sort of a comfort read, if that makes sense.

In terms of improvement, I do think you could add more descriptions of the setting. I was missing sensory details throughout. I'm a huge sucker for a good description, and there was just so little of it. I think it's because your writing style "tells" a lot. For example, she says at one point, "I felt a hot pizza aroma dash into my nose." Instead of describing the smell of pizza with sensory details to produce imagery, the narrator tells us that she smells pizza. Again, I really like your writing style, and I think this is a part of it, but maybe adding some more descriptions and showing would make the story even more enjoyable to read.

Characters:

Drashelle is a relatable and likable main character. I think there's a lot of really sweet and cute things about her that I found reminiscent of girls I knew when I was that age. She's flirty but not in a malicious way, and she's very, very funny! I honestly laughed out loud at some of her thoughts. Because it's in first person and you include a lot of introspection and this sort of arguing inner dialogue, she is endeared to the reader immediately. She's definitely a main character I root for.

I think the other characters in the story sort of suffer from the telling vs. showing issue. When they're introduced, there's sort of this information dump about them with little dialogue or a more natural feeling introduction. A good example of this is Kashelle's introduction. She sounds like a really cool character, but I don't know her very well. When she's introduced in I think chapter three, there are several paragraphs about her and how she met Drashelle and that's it. It's just Drashelle sort of dumping information about her without a proper introduction. I find it's always best to reveal that sort of information more slowly. The reader doesn't need to know everything about a character as soon as they are introduced. Take your time and release the information little by little. Instead of telling us she's a "boyish" or "unfeminine," describe her hair, her clothing, her demeanor. I hope that makes sense.

Recommendation:

I would recommend this to someone looking for a cute and realistic high school story.