Dreamland Review Archive

Golden Pear (T)

Golden Pear

Witto150

Initial Impression: (cover, title & blurb)

I like the uniqueness of your cover and the originality of it. I really love the depth and the detail that it has. It gives me more of a simple, contemporary vibe than the style your story runs in, but I actually kind of like that. It's different, and that's the way to go on Wattpad.

On to your title. It's again, quite unique. I don't have any problems with it, but I am confused as to why it says 'The Golden Pear' on the cover, but only 'Golden Pear' in the true title. I personally like it with the 'the', but you should consider picking one to stick with, just for cohesiveness.

I do like your blurb, but below I'm going to completely rewrite it and pretty much make it seem like I hate everything about it. I promise, I don't. I just think it needs to be reorganized to be the most effective it can be. For starters, I never recommend starting with a name in your blurb. It makes no sense to us readers yet, and you don't want to waste the limited space you have in a thumbnail blurb on anything other than captivating material. So although I like your first paragraph, I would prefer it to be a little more snappier and a tad more dramatic. Including the second part of your blurb, I find the whole description to be a bit too long. I also don't like the formatting–how you chose to split the first bit from the second. I think it just ruins the drama and the invitation to read more. Below, I've shortened your blurb and took out the info I thought was unnecessary.

The golden pear is enchanted to provide either wisdom, beauty or power. Freya chooses to throw it away.

Freya is freakish and weird–but not because her flaming red hair, green eyes or biracial heritage. It's the burnt half of her face that sets her apart—the reason she was bullied and taunted endlessly into being hardened.

But her life turns upside-down when she receives the golden pear. All she needs to do is give it to one of three guys to receive a great bargain in return: endless knowledge, everlasting beauty or unmatched strength.

But not every gift brings happiness.

Here's a list of what I did to your blurb:

- Shortened and dramatized the beginning.

- Took out non-essential descriptions or information, including Freya's last name.

- Reorganized the info.

- Reorganized the order of the words in the first sentence to match the order of the words in the second to last line.

As always, you can copy/paste this blurb, or you can change what you don't like. But I would recommend taking your current blurb and reorganize and shorten it. Your blurb was quite good, it just wasn't as snappy as I think it could be.

13/15

Logistics: (grammar, spelling & dialogue)

You have a (rather infrequent) comma problem, like pretty much everyone. You have most commas down, but the comma before 'and' gives you trouble sometimes. I think my tips will help this to never be a problem in the future.

First off, you should know what dependent and independent clauses are. PLEASE don't scroll past this part just because I used those scary words (like I would always do with reviewers before I found the bravery to figure them out). I promise, I won't make them confusing.