stay out, don't read.

part one

maybe we all deserve love? that is what i thought, before, before the whole world went upside down and sideways while the sun stayed up. i thought i could do something, prevent it. i couldn't do anything, and yet i still blamed myself. for everything. at first, i was just upset at myself because i lost. then, at the final endgame, i lost her. i lost natasha. i lost tony. i never thought it would be this hard on someone like me. something like me. i use to feel safe around her and at least i had someone to talk to. i had her. then, after it's all taken away. you have to take a breath and realize, you never know what you have after you've lost it.

i never thought that someone like me. something like me. deserved anything like that. i never opened up to anyone else like her before. i was always told that ' love was just something to waste your time on, that books was the only thing to keep you safe ' . when i grew up, i found out that it wasn't partly that way. you can't fix broken feelings with the formulas that they give you in a math book. even though books are still the only thing that makes me feel completely safe. books can't leave you but people can. she wasn't meant to leave like that. it should've been me.

i've been searching through every book i could find, trying to fill that void of her. nothing ever works. i'm lost, scared, and run out of ideas. i never told her exactly how i felt. how could i? trying to get out any straight sentences from my mind is as hard as trying to face that anyone would love me. past experiences showed me that even before the hulk, i was a monster. no one could love a monster like i am. guess it's true what they say. in some ways everyone is like their parents. in my case, i am just like my father. the thing is, i don't want to be. tony always told me that i wasn't like anyone but myself. but i get so slammed with new emotions that i've never felt towards anyone else before, i try to fight my way out. then i close myself up to the point of no return. i was too busy daydreaming about what i was going to say, that i said nothing at all.

if based on that, i'm nothing like my father. but nothing is going to change the fact that we are both monsters, just in different situations. no one can change what happened in the past and neither the future either. everyone has the ability to move past something to over come it. i cant. i can't over come her and the fact that i never said anything. when i should've. i should've went with her. gave myself up for the soul stone. everyone would be happier, right? we didn't have to lose tony either. just tear my whole heart out, then stomp on it like it was a piece of garbage. i can't ( in a healthy way ) cope with this. i just can't.

farewell today, bruce.