Fight for us

man down

Ellie pov

"MAYDAY!" 

"Mayday! Mayday! Firefighter down" I scream in the radio with everything I have in my throat, the smoke is getting beyond breathable as I use every muscle group in my shoulders to lift a piece of roof that flew down and pinned a fellow fighter, my husband, my other half Tristan on the ground with more roof falling by the second.

 I had a gut feeling this morning when I woke up that something wasn't right and when we were attending this scene something felt even more off and now look at me and my husband, pinned! Looking around for anything to help me I see nothing but the pitch black smoke suffocating us trying to take our last reaming oxygen right from our breaths, stealing everything in seconds leaving me breathless. I want to scream, I want to beg, I want the world to swallow me whole right now as I collapse on my knees looking down at my whole life laying pinned with tears running down his cheek, I know deep down as his eyes connect with mine that he has come to terms with this but doesn't mean I have. Tristan is losing the will to fight and honestly I don't blame him as i don't think I can save him or myself and I wont choose. Blood pours the ground where Tristan lays and I refused to believe that theres no man left behind, we promise each other even if I have to go with him. 

Is this death due us part? 

"Ellie!" Tristan screams my name taking a hold of my hand trying to get me to come too terms with his decision but how do you tell the man you marry that theres not a world you want to live without him in it. 

"Please... Please ... Please go, I- l love y-you baby-y-y girl" Tristan begs looking me dead in the eye while I just cant as I hold his hand as he struggles to speak, I don't want to leave him alone as he takes his final breath he is my world, my everything and I need to be here as the last thing he sees whether the building takes me with it, so be it.

 As tears run down both our faces his hold on my hand releases with nothing but happiness in his eyes, I don't understand till I feel a pair of arms wrap around my little fatigue body, the happiness wasn't for himself but was for me knowing I am being saved. 

I didn't want to be saved. 

My eyes don't remove from Tristan lifeless body as I am being thrown over the shoulder and rushed out the building, my body is thrashing against the firefighter holding me, I am screaming to be released with kicking my legs and arms all over the place needing to be by his side like I promise in our vows. The bright light of the daylight hits me in the face as my feet touched the ground but the hold on me remains as the fear of me running inside and getting to Tristan continues. So much for no man left behind. A paramedic is rushing to myself with a oxygen mask trying to throw it over my face as the fire fighter holds me still but theres no such thing when the love of my life is gone. 

What feels like seconds is only a hour as the building is stable enough to collect my husband from under all the fallen roof, I haven't taken my eyes off the building as I wait patiently for the firefighters to come out with my husband in tow. I have his last words repeating in my head begging for me to go and leave him but there was no way in hell I was going to do that willingly and he knew it. The light in his eyes disappeared as he took his final breath, a part of me died with him as I wait for the men to bring me my husband, one of us knew this was going to happen and we planned for it but neither of us thought it happen anytime soon. Tristan was the life of the party he always thought about everyone else and put everyone first, how am I going to tell our son Logan that his father isn't coming home anymore, Tristan loved our son with everything and made sure he was bought up the way we dreamt off. 

Sitting on my knees I cant breath as they pull my husband out the building, its like the life has been sucked right out of me leaving me gasping for air. Every single firefighter is now stood in a two line manner saluting my husband as he gets carried towards as ambulance, I know where's he heading and a part of me refuses to believe this is it. The closer my husband gets to that ambulance I strip out my gear and race towards him wanting, no needing to be by his side like I promise on our wedding day, I am not ready to say goodbye when it only just feels like we was married. 

Thought out the ride to the hospital our fire engine is leading the way, Tristan was our family and I wouldn't rob anyone of saying goodbye, he looked over all of us and made sure our rookie was safe, he was our lieutenant and now he's going to be watching us from above.The ride to the hospital is silent as the paramedic sits there quietly not sure what to say and I have no idea either, with my hand interlocked with Tristans. I place one kiss on his cheek not ready to say goodbye just yet. As the ride comes to a stop the back doors opens, Tristan is the first out the ambaulce and being rolled into the hospital, every single of us follow but as we enter the whole hospital is silent, this is the second time we have ever lost a firefighter in this town.

"Time of death 17:39pm...." Those words is all it took for me to break down falling to my knees tearing running down my face, I didn't want to believe he was gone but now hearing his time of death I cant seem to get it out my mind. 'Time of death' is on repeat in my mind as I remain on the floor wishing the world would have swallow us both, I cant do it without my life partner by my side, Tristan was always the better half in our marriage. I already miss his baby blue eyes shine when I do something stupid like burning our dinner however honestly I was never a good cook, or when he looked at me wearing my little black dress he loved so much. Being picked up by one of the firefighters I cry into his arms not caring who's looking at me in the hospital. Being hugged by everyone I finally calm down a little when my favourite doctor Lilly comes running from the back doors, she takes one look at Tristan and then back to me, she runs into my arms whispering everything going to be alright but is it? I lost my husband, the only person who ever understood me like no one else.

I am alone. 

****

Getting dressed for my husband funeral i stand in front of the full length mirror looking at myself in a black dress i never planned on wearing, Tristan thought it looked wonderful and picked it for his funeral. It was why I never wore it. Looking at myself i have red bloodshot eyes as the tears refuse to stop running down my face but what hurts more is our son Logan refusing to talk to anyone, i know he's hurting and I wish I could take his pain away but theres only so many things a mother can do. 

A boy needs his father. 

 Breaking the news to him was the worse thing i have ever done in my life as he broke down in my arms and now he has to watch as we burry his father, Logan is still young and now he has to grow up without Tristan by his side. Finally pulling myself from the mirror i take Logan hands and head outside to the car not ready for this one single bit, I don't know how I can say goodbye to him after seeing him take his final breath in my arms, I'm still in shock and expecting him to walk though the house any day now, i still wear the ring refusing to move any of this belonging, its like he still lives here but his presence is no longer with us. Reaching the church I'm hesitant as I don't think i can do this...

"Detail attention!... Present arms!... Lieutenant Tristan Davidson has returned to quarters" as the bell rings I stand beside my son watching as firefighter raise their arms together in unison paying their respects to the fallen. 

"He is cleared from all his duties. He is gone but never forgotten. May he rest in peace, with his brothers and sisters. Above." I don't know how I'm going to cope without him or raise our son alone but I know I'll be doing it all with him above cheering me on. I can do this. i got this... I hope.