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25. Nothing new

      Addy is dead and gone and Adaline feels like she has lost a part of herself.

She grew up as Addy, not Adaline and now she barely knows who she is anymore, what she's supposed to be called. Adaline, Ads, Adastrology. Names that she goes by and names that haven't really stuck until now. Her birth name, what Clay calls her, and the ideal version of herself. The goal, the endgame. She chose that name for herself and she still isn't that person. What is wrong with her? She's been sitting in the darkness of her room locked up for God knows how long avoiding the family in her living room. It's been hours since she got home and she hasn't spoken a word to anyone, Adaline can hear them all still in the living room though.

She pushes herself up.

You have to face the music at some point.

Stand up, take the steps to the door, open the door. Take a few deep breaths, wonder if you're making the right decision. You're probably not, Adaline knows this and repeats it to herself. Then again there is no right decision when it comes to her siblings. She's always doing something wrong according to Aimee's unrealistic standards.

The hall is cold and dark and empty. The carpet just feels too weird against her feet and the shivering in her shoulders is too much to handle so she doesn't take another step forward, she only stands there with her arms crossed. What is she doing? There are so many solutions to this problem but she doesn't do anything about it. She could easily leave the apartment, she could tell them to leave. They don't have to be here, Aimee, Gabe and Clay don't live here so why are they even here? What is stopping her from telling them to leave? Guilt, probably. That's not very Christmas spirit of her.

She knows damn well that her sister isn't worth the guilt but she remembers something her therapist told her ages ago, something about just...letting yourself feel things. That just seems so foreign, so unrealistic, especially right now.

Still. Adaline walks down the hallway into the living room. Her siblings, roommates and Clay all sit there, awkwardly talking amongst themselves.

      "Hi."

Adaline mumbles. She doesn't bother making eye contact, just stares at the floor like the absolute hell that was earlier in the afternoon. Maybe if she can't see them, they can't see her. That's a stupid thought but she can't help but hope that it may be true.

      "Hey," Clay is the first to say anything, the only one to say anything as a matter of fact.

      "Hey Adaline," Gabe waves at her from where he sits on the gross old armchair in the living room.

Unproblematic as always.

Gabe used to hang out with her often, they kept each other company when things got too rough and they looked out for each other more than most anyone else did. It's a shame to see them so distant now, children who shared the same lives now so vastly different in every aspect. In looks, lives, appearances. They grew out of their similarities. The siblings don't have the same nose anymore, Adaline's teeth are still crooked but with the help of braces Gabe's are not, Adalines hair has darkened to deep brunette from staying inside while Gabe's is next to blonde.

Isn't it crazy how two flowers from the same bush could grow so differently.

      "Uh, I'm sorry, but could you guys like...Leave? We can talk tomorrow, but for now I just...Yeah," Adalines eyes shift around. She wants this to be done and over with. If she had it her way she wouldn't be seeing them tomorrow either but it's not her way.

There are sacrifices that need to be made and this, seeing her siblings, just so happens to be one of them.

Silence from everyone before a sigh from Aimee. "Sure."

It's easier than she would have thought.

But it's also harder than she would have thought to watch them leave.

There's a feeling of...fear. What if she never sees them again? What if she sees them but never speaks to them, like August when she saw Aimee crying in her car after the breakup? She got so scared, so overwhelmingly filled with fear that she didn't say anything, probably will never bring it up in her life. Why would she want to? Aimee never comforted her, never in her life had she been there for someone other than herself and that's the hardest thing to deal with so far.

Isn't it crazy how two flowers from the same bush could wilt so quickly.

Clay catches her eye with a smile that isn't quite happy but it's understanding. He's there for her and she knows it as she watches him leave behind Aimee and Gabe. If there is one thing that she's sure of, it's Clay. It has been for months and it will be for months, at least that's what she wants.

Madi and Maira and Dante all look at her. Nothing is said but they know that something has changed, all four of them. Something ended and possibly began between Madi and Dante after the months long conflict, there is a wall between Adaline and the three people in the world who have been there.

Deflecting, Adaline turns and disappears back into the darkness of her room again. This isn't something she can deal with right now but when is it ever something she can deal with?

Will :)

Hey youuuuu

Happy Christmas eve

Adaline

Heyyyy

Merry Christmas eve

Will :)

Any plans

Adaline

Have to see my siblings

Will :)

Thought you don't get along with your sister?

Adaline

I don't

Laying on her back on the bed, Adaline texts Will. It's easy, it's simple. Everything is so much simpler online, so much more easy flowing if you know where to look. Adaline has spent years knowing where to look. In the comment sections of lofi videos, in minecraft servers with british men, in the twitch chats of late night stardew valley streamers. Places where nobody can bother to have anything but a good time.

Twitter is not somewhere that things are simple but Adaline pulls it up on her phone and mindlessly scrolls anyways.

@georgenotfound:

Everyday is a bad day when Sapnap is around

@adastrology replied:

I support this statement

The mindless buzz of twitter is good, the not having to focus or thing is good.

@dreamhangout:

I love women

Adaline smiles at her phone, nothing new when it comes to Clay of course.

Word count: 1090

A/N: I know I promised this chapter days ago but I was depressed okay anyways a lot in the next two chapters and also go read Constellations and ily and I'm sorry for short chapter, I swear there's more to come