Armaya Nicolai

Chapter 6

"Let's finish this Maya. Let's move on from each other"

Other than the noise coming from the rain, I can clearly hear these words from my mind the moment I laid eyes on him. He wasn't even looking at me. Diretso lang ang atensyon nito pero ramdam ko ang lamig hindi sa malakas na ulan kundi sa pakikitungo nito. He's asking me to get inside the car too but I remained standing infront of him. Something deep inside me wants to dare him to look at me pero alam ko ako parin ang lugi. The way I remained frozen here obviously tells that I am still affected.

"Oo nga Maya! Sabay ka na sa amin para di ka na mahirapan bumyahe." I heard Aye cheerfully invited me too. I composed myself and felt the pressure to face her and give her a little smile to decline.  My knees felt weak that I almost stumble, hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa relief na nakakita ako ng pwedeng parahin na taxi or just because of his presence near me. Nag-angat ako ng kamay para parahin ang papalapit na taxi na luckily ay walang pasahero.

"Thank you for the offer. Ingat kayo." I just said. As much as I still want to glance at him, I dismissed the thought. Aye seems dismayed sa naging desisyon ko, as for Rad, I don't know. Hindi ko hinantay na makarinig pa muli sa kanila, even struggling with the wind that is blowing my umbrella and the unstable knees, I run towards the taxi. The taxi driver asked me where to. My mind is struggling to think right now kaya sumagot ako nang hindi sigurado.

When the taxi moved, that was the only time na nakahinga ako ng malalim. Ngayon ko lang din napansin ang panginginig ng mga kamay ko. I rested my head on the window and I suddenly remember how Radicus always tell me not do this because it's dangerous. But my heart is rebelling, I closed my eyes and my tears strolled down my face.

I'm struggling with my emotions right now. I didn't expect to be this unstable after seeing him again. I tried calming myself. Habang nasa byahe ay natulala na lamang ako. I just wanted to stop thinking. How hard it is to just stop remembering what we had? Gaano nga ba kahirap maglet go? I was betrayed but why does my heart feels regret? Why do I have to think of the "what ifs" again?

What if I did not ask him to cool off? Makikipaghiwalay pa ba siya?

What if instead of hiding, I reached for him? Maaayos ba?

What if everything is wrong? What if there was just a part that I refused to understand?

What if  there was supposedly a chance if only I took steps to understand him more?

The more I think, the more I blame myself. Bumabalik lang ako sa dating ako. Tagasalo ng lahat ng guilt. Come on Maya! Just because noone's taking the blame ay ikaw na lang ang sasalo! Get over it! Saway ko sa sarili ko. Saka na lamang natuon ang atensyon ko sa daan nang magtanong is taxi driver kung saan banda ako bababa.

When I went down of the taxi, I suddenly got confused and even question myself again kung bakit nga ba ako dito napunta? Maybe because my mom is the first person I wanted to talk to about my agony. I remained standing infront of the gate still thinking kung tama ba ang gagawin ko. It's been a year since we last saw each other. Hindi pa maganda ang huli naming pag-uusap.

"Ate Maya?" I heard at my back. It was Brittany. Mukhang galing din ito ng trabaho. I can feel her excitement when she saw me. Agad siyang lumapit para yakapin ako.

"Hi Brit. " I said.

"Oh my! Its really you. Mom will be really thrilled to see you! Pasok na tayo. Kanina ka pa ba?" Walang tigil na tanong nito. Bigla naman akong kinabahay nang ayain na ako nito papasok ng bahay.

"Kamusta ka? Alam ba ng mommy na dadalaw ka? Kanina ka pa ba? Millie will be happy to see you! Kaso baka tulog iyon." Sunud-sunod na tanong nito habang naglalakad kami. I suddenly felt excited when she mentioned Millie. Hindi pa man ako nakakasagot ay sumigaw na ito para tawagin si mommy.