chapter 2

37 4 3

by Calcifer_thor

by Calcifer_thor

// TW DISSOCIATION DEPERSONALIZATION FUNERAL //

The days leading up to the funeral, Rurik felt numb. Everything felt heavy and he couldn’t sleep. When he slept he would think about the things he didn’t make up for. If he dreamt, that is. Mostly, when he sleeps, it feels empty, like he didn’t sleep at all. Sometimes he’d wake up expecting to see Lotus and Dante talking in hushed tones, only to find his husband asleep, and their partner wasn’t there. Lotus won’t ever be there, and for some reason, it made Rurik mad.

During the day, if he wasn’t working or spending time with Dante and Mikey, he’d be spaced out, or he’d be planning his friend's funeral with the others… He could barely keep track of time, and the days blurred, until now. Standing there in the crowd of people gathered, some he knew, most he didn’t. He recognizes a few of Lotus’ old, old friends, and a few big names in Underfell’s crime scene, and then there was the rest of the gang. Including Geno and Death… Rurik realizes that everyone around him is crying, except for him, in fact, the moment his eyes land on the casket, he begins to tune it all out.

The world around him feels fake, all of this feels fake, like his living in some kind of dream. His body moves like he’s personally driving it, and it feels like he’s watching this all from a foggy windshield. Rurik tries to focus on the things happening around him, but it’s not working, why can’t something just go right? Gods he was already so tired, now he’s bugging out? A hand grips his, and he takes a gasp of air like he’s been holding his breath… had he been holding his breath? He looks down to find the pale hand of his husband squeezing his own.

Dante looks up at Rurik with concern, “Do you need to step away for a minute?” he asks softly, Rurik can’t muster up words, he can’t pull his thoughts together, and apart of him wants to stay right at Lotus’ side, ( “Ju-Just promise me… you’ll stay…” ) he- he promised he would… But he could barely see, let alone think. “just for a minute.” Dante restates softly, giving his hand a soft squeeze. “People will understand…” his husband says. So Rurik nods, and Dante leads him away from the crowd, people give their condolences as they pass… finally out of the crowd, Dante guides Rurik to sit down, and yet, he still couldn’t bring himself to cry, though he could feel the tears sitting there.

He just stares at the grass below him, his husband sits next to him, laying his head on Rurik’s shoulder. He feels like he should do something to help, something to provide comfort, Lotus was Dante’s partner too, but he still couldn’t get his head to clear. Dante shifts, and gently cuffs his face, Rurik turns to face his husband, leaning into the touch. “‘m sorry” he mutters, Dante smiles sadly, running his thumb gently under his eyes, a gentle sweeping motion that’s helping to ground Rurik further. “It’s ok. No need to apologize” Ruirk sighs, “I should be comforting you” he mumbles, Dante huffs, shaking his head “You’re allowed to be sad too, y’know. You don’t always have to be the tough one…” Dante replies, before looking down, letting his hands fall to hold the others. “We should go back…” Rurik suggests, he still feels foggy, but it doesn’t feel right to stay away. He stands up, with a bit of a sway, before helping Dante up.

The funeral lasted for about an hour more, the remaining three had agreed to meet at Lotus’ house afterwards. There wasn’t any time to plan a proper wake, not that Lotus would want that many being gathered around his dead body, or maybe he’d joke about it. Either way, this was for their group personally. Walking inside Lotus’ house is when it finally all snaps back together. Suddenly all his thoughts are rushing to his head, and Rurik feels like he’s woken up… because they’re entering a once lively house, but the life of it is gone. It’s too clean, and Lotus isn’t there to greet them with a large smile, arms open wide, it's empty.

He lets out a shaky exhale, as they all walk in. The group of four is standing there in complete silence, like if they’re quiet enough, they might hear Lotus’ quick footsteps, or the sound of music… but they’re meant with pitter patter, and out comes… out comes Lady. The Whippet halts, and then it really sinks in. Lotus left behind everything . “Oh my gosh. Do you guys have food?” Goth asks, rushing over to the kitchen, only to let out a small ‘oh’ the group follows, to find that they do in fact have food. Enough food to last a few weeks. “haha, I uh, I guess he did plan this through.” It’s a really hard realization, and finally, Rurik feels a few hot tears roll down his face. Because Lotus had planned all this out to the small details, hadn’t he? He walks away from the group and into Lotus’ room.

He looks around, eyes landing onto the desk, where a few tape recorders and envelopes lay. Each has a name on them, oh gods. Rurik walks over, picking up the ones with his name on them. He looks around before sitting down on the bed, his hands shake as he presses play.

There's a moment of silence before a little click echos and Lotus' worn out voice relays a log. Each tape on the recorder is a log, detailing Lotus' 'studies' and the more it goes on, the more tired he sounds. Before the last clip rolls, " When I was a kid, I'd always dreamt of leaving with my dad in tow. I didn't know how I was gonna do that. How I'd make that possible. But I believed I would… Then one day I woke up to my father screaming, it wasn't an angry yell, nor was it sad… that morning I lost my dad … for a moment I was still; at an impasse. But then it clicked, the day before, uh, I remember walking into his room, and he wrapped the scarf around my neck, his scarf which he cherished, and um, and he told me- he uh- he told me that he'd always be there for me. No matter how far I was, or how I was feeling, he'd be there…"

"That morning he died, it snapped together. I ran. I fucking ran. Haha… I've always been good at running… but um… but the uh, the problem with running is that you- haha- you grow tired so quickly…. I've been running and I think it's only fair that I just walk the rest of the way… y'know…. And listen, Rurik…. Meeting you- as much as it hurt to be with you- I um… I wouldn't take it back…"

" I wish you got the help you needed sooner, I should have pushed you more… but the thing is- um- haha- um the thing is… when I looked at you, I saw a younger me… running, always fucking running… running from bad people, from people who hurt us. That's what it's always been like. We ran. I ran… but look at where you are now, Gods Rurik- no one says it enough to you- but man- I'm so Fucking proud of you… I know how hard it must have been dealing with all of that shit… and I say this because I want you to know, I don't want you to blame yourself for this… whatever happens to me, it's not your fault. You did what you could, it's no one's fault but mine… anyways, I left a few tiny things in the envelope, nothin' fancy because I can barely keep my- um- my hands still…. I'm sorry… just know that I love you…" there's sniffling before it cuts off… suddenly the room feels colder. Rurik holds the recorder and envelope like it's delicate glass, despite how his scarred hands tremble, he still holds them.

He goes to wipe away tears that have been building up for the past weeks, he lets out a pathetic sounding mix of a whine and a sob. Curling in on himself and holding the two items close to him. Every part of him is screaming, like the cord holding up this weird dream state has finally snapped. Everything is just weighing in on him. The fact that he'll never hear Lotus' little teases, his laughter, or how he'll never get to see the way he lights up when the group walks into his house, or hear the playful yells and banter, he'll never get to hold Lotus, make him feel safe.

He'll never get to apologize for the things he's done… Gods what about all the things Lotus can no longer do. Rurik is beginning to realize why these past few months have taken a mental toll on his belated partner… Gods, what all was Lotus holding back? In a few of the logs, he sounded so fucking broken. So desperate, pleading just to find a happy ending to this… Lotus lost a game he didn't even want to play… he- Lotus died at the hands of his- everything comes to a screeching halt when a hand touches his back. Before someone pulls him into a hug. He leans into the much needed comfort, free hand gripping on the shirt of whoever stumbled in on him. Though, he's pulled to the floor and more arms engulf him in a hug. He's not the only one crying, and for once… he doesn't mind it.