Like the Moon [H.S]

Chapter five

I felt more than broken. It's the consequences when your life is planned and you have to follow the plan blindfolded. Not a single move is allowed on your own.

I couldn't find any strength to renovate my breath. My mind just couldn't comprehend what he just said. Only one word in my head ''marriage'' and thousands of emotions that I couldn't understand. I tried to stay as calm as possible not to show my fear.

''Don't you think it is a bit early for both of us to get married?'' I said with hope in my voice to postpone this event for as long as I could.

God, I really should have just not shown up today.

I lifted my head and my nails digging harder into my palms.

''We have discussed this a long time ago but decided to give you two some time to get to know each other. Now, time is up.'' My father answered, causing the tension in the room to drastically multiply.

I just blinked at him for a moment.

I didn't want my marriage to be born from the necessity of having to marry in order to unite our parents' businesses.

I looked at Nick's mother. I could tell she was panicking. Although, she wasn't the only one who was. She looked at her plate, not wanting to show her discomfort.

''You have to calm down a little and maybe then you will look at this clearly.'' Said Nick while his grip on my thigh tightened.

I just nodded, taking a second to gather my thoughts.

I stood up from the table without saying anything. I heard my mother's voice but I was so deep in my thoughts that I couldn't hear exactly what she had said.

I was almost in my room when I felt my phone buzz.

Received:

Ann: I can't protect you from this and even if I could, even if there was a small chance that I thought it all would be well, I don't think I want to risk it. It's just the world we are living in. Sometimes you have to be the one who is controlled.

The lump in my throat became more prominent and the silence consumed me.

It was a message from Nick's mom.

I was right when I thought that the life of this woman wasn't easy at all. She was forced to wear a mask all the time and pretend that she is completely satisfied with her life. She was perfectly doing this. Maybe I was the one to see her real side because I am just as broken as she is. That is why she tried to take it easy on me, she knew how hard it is for me to be in this situation but she hadn't enough power or courage to stop this all from happening, not only my sufferings but her own. She accepted her fate and sailed through life with all of the troubles she had.

For a second I thought that maybe I have to accept this and obey each one of the members of my family and then my life would be easier. Maybe I can be just like this woman, if she could do this why couldn't I. I was doing it perfectly for almost all my life and I can continue.

I took a deep breath, trying desperately to control my sudden rush of emotions.

I couldn't find any words to reply so I just sent a short answer.

Sent:

Lillian: I know, Missis Ann, I know...

I was finally in my room. Panic seemed to do a lot to the brain in this kind of situation. I thought about many things at that moment. All I wanted to do right now is to wash away this day from my body and then my mind will rethink all the things that happened today.

I took off my dress and turned on the cold water to fill the bath. I looked at myself in the mirror and thought for a moment why am I the one to live life like this. I don't need money, expensive cars, anything but freedom to choose which life I want to live. I want to make mistakes and learn from them.

I found candles that I usually use when I'm broken and want to take a bath.

It is time for my therapy.

I slowly sat in the bath and felt the cold water,  the goosebumps immediately appeared on my skin. I swallow, feeling my heart race in my chest. I can't breathe, my lungs are screaming, so desperate for air. I want to scream but I can't because my voice is so low that I can barely hear myself.

I press my trembling hands to my face as if trying to stop my head from replaying today's events. I'm not strong enough to stop this from happening. I'm trying to suck in all the air. I feel tears on my cheeks. I don't want to cry but my soul wants to. I want to pour out all of my troubles to someone, but no one would understand me.

I take one of the burning candles and let the wax run through my body.

I wish everything was better.

I hate this.

But I can't help it.

The temperature difference makes me suck in for air even more than before.

I'm terrified.

Candle by candle and I'm all covered in wax.

That's the moment when I feel physical pain not mental.

And I'm happy to be able to feel that.