I AM A TOP

Chapter 9

Rahen's POV

My phone dinged besides me indicating that I have received a text message. I glanced at it and it was Ryan, I just glanced back not caring to check what he was saying as I held my head in my hands feeling like shit, I have just done something I hate the most 'Not entirely' but still I acted like a jerk. I thought they never break from their behavior, that he is just a player and none of that will change, I wasn't expecting this to destroy anyone not him not me

This was just to save myself from his laughter, due to stereotypes I have been laughed at way more than I care to admit. When I came out as gay everyone expected only one thing 'He is a bottom' that is the thing I have heard to hear all my life and at first I thought they were right since I had everything that automatically made me a bottom 'As they say'. My frame which is feminine than that of a man, my cute baby face that just gives everyone the idea of me being a bottom.

My first time to bottom felt weird, I won't say it was the worst because the person I was with knew what he was doing but I just didn't feel it, yes when he hit my spot that was hell of a turn on but I just didn't want to be down, something about driving a man crazy when I am between his legs made the whole experience better, that was something that could turn me on so hard. That was something I really wanted that when he came deep inside of me I came for entirely different reasons, first I came because I liked the way he thrust his hips and I wished that was me doing that to him, second I wanted to be buried into him that the thought made me hard more than the idea of having him in me.

When he fell besides me panting I immediately got into his legs ready to please him, just the idea was already throwing me on the edge, he looked at me seductively and asked "Are you going to ride me?" I frowned immediately but shrugged it off and told him exactly what I wanted to do, the first thing he did was laugh, he laughed so hard before patting my cheek saying "Oh, princess your so cute" then pulled me into his arms, hugged me before going to sleep.

That was the first time someone laughed but it wasn't the last time being laughed at for being what I am and all because I fall into the box of being taken as a bottom due to the way I look. I tried the gym to get a little muscle maybe I will stop coming off as a strong bottom to everyone but I couldn't keep up in the gym with my lazy ass so I failed, I decided to not care about that but my other problem was that I was so into muscular men, men bigger than me who are all supposed to be tops 'Apparently' At one point I stopped trying to date anyone since everyone I was into came off as a top and they would confirm when I asked, it was no use, I started hating the fact that people would laugh at how I fucking feel so I closed off

When I got Ryan, I liked him since day one and he was a strict bottom. At first we were friends until more happened but he was worried that we wouldn't work out since we were both bottoms 'Fuckin hell' at least I showed him I wasn't but that ended when we both noticed that we were supposed to be friends instead of lovers, I always keep on wondering if I was with Ryan because he was the only person that didn't laugh and just took my feelings in consideration and that is why I still take him as someone close to me even if he is sleeping with someone else.

Now with Kyle I knew right away his reaction would be to laugh, he was a player and I didn't have time to tell him what I was so he would just laugh it out like I was just 'Being cute' as I have been told on several occasions. This was all just a play and I don't know where I thought it would go but I definitely didn't think it will go like this and I was definitely not planning on taking it this far, playing with him got interesting and I guess I kind of liked it more than I was supposed to, I knew I had no chance with him though, because we were certainly not compatible, only for him to prove me wrong by just making himself compatible with my heart, things just suck.

The door opened and in walked Ella with a wide smile on her lips. She expected me to ask something but I didn't so she asked instead "Did something happen?" taking off her heels, before taking a seat right next to me "I am all ears"

"I told him the truth"

"Good then why are you down...." She trailed off her lips stretching into a wide smile "You like him, I should have known you weren't telling him the truth because of that, so what happened?"

"He left angry" I stared at my feet feeling like a jerk, I shouldn't have tried to act like him all because I didn't want him to laugh. I was protecting my feelings yet forgetting that he also has those, I knew it couldn't happen but I still pushed it yet I knew.

"I am so sorry" she pulled me into a hug trying to comfort me "But you knew you couldn't work out, two tops, it just can't"

"Yeah" I nodded pulling out of the hug staring down, why does everything just have to be so complicated at this point, why would my heart want him yet it just couldn't happen. If I were to give into my feelings to him I had to be something I am not, I would rather be heart broken than change or pretend for anyone "What were you smiling about earlier?" I tried to redirect the conversation back to her, I know I should apologize to Kyle and let that go. I knew I couldn't have him from the beginning, this shouldn't be as hard as it is right now when I was kind of expecting it.

"Dylan, we kissed" She squealed dancing onto the bed happily "I think we might have something going on, he asked me out on a second date"

I wanted to be happy for her, I really did but I just think Dylan was hiding something from her "Ah, this is just an opinion and you don't have to take it if you don't want to" I had to make myself clear, I wouldn't want her to think that I am trying to get her away from her man "I feel like he is gay" I threw it out there, if he is a closeted one then it will be worse. She frowned ready to snap "I am not saying he is gay, gay but I think he is not entirely straight, maybe bi. Yeah he might be bi and if he is then it is totally fine, I just felt like I needed you to know that since you know...."

She got up walking over to her bag without saying a word, she picked up her phone and dialed a number with me staring at her. This one time she got a boyfriend who later came out as gay, he knew he was gay all the way through the relationship and I got some vibes but I thought he was bi, if he was dating my friend he had to be until he came out. Ella was angry with me for not telling her the truth, this is why I want to inform her of my suspicions so she knows what I think "Are you gay?" My eyes widened, did she have to throw it out like that. I don't know what the other replied but she nodded before smiling wide and pulling the phone off of her ear "He is bi" she jumped up and down in excitement as she got back to the bed with me sighing in relief, it would have felt bad if he was gay, she looks like she likes him, she even gave him a chance for a date after that past experience

She has been scared to date and I think that is why she goes from crush to crush, she at one point told me she thinks all guys are gay depending on how many gay guys she has crushed on not knowing they were gay until they cane out

"Dude, I admire your gayder"