My Bad Boy Doctor

20

"It's been awhile," my therapist, Mia, says over Zoom chat. "How are you doing?"

What she isn't saying is that I've avoided making an appointment, despite the office calling weeks ago. I've put this off as long as possible because leaving my house or seeing people gives me anxiety. Even phone calls induce a racing heart and indigestion.

"Could be better," I confess with a shrug. "I stated dating a guy only to find out he used to be everything I dreaded in school."

"Oh?" Mia raises her eyebrows in question, staring at the screen as if I'm right in front of her.

I go into the story about how I met Blake and our interactions afterward. How I'm insecure but trying to have faith in him, even though his mother, friend, and ex were all awful to me in one way or another.

"It sucks," I mumble, looking down at my lap as I finish the story. "When I'm with him, I'm so happy. He's supportive and treats me better than anyone ever has. But when I think about what he used to do -- all those women he's hurt, I feel sick to my stomach."

"Kelly, I think it's safe to say we all have something in our past we aren't proud of. The important thing is that we grow and learn from our mistakes. Do you think he's done that?"

I nod slowly as I lift my gaze to the screen. My fingers fidget with the hem of my shirt, picking at any loose thread I can find. "Yeah. He's so quick to defend my honor and call people out on their crap, but it doesn't fix what he did."

"No, but it's impossible to change the past," Mia says in a calm tone. "Did he lie to you about it when you confronted him? Did he try to deflect blame at all?"

"No." I shake my head and avert my eyes again, feeling more stupid than ever. I really don't deserve Blake if I can't get my shit together.

Mia clears her throat, forcing me to look at the monitor before she continues. "I can't tell you what to do, but I think it's worth considering. I know how much you've been through, but he's not any of those people. He didn't hurt you. Will ending things make you feel better?"

The other day, I would have said yes. After all, it was me who thought I needed this for my sanity. Now, I feel miserable. True to his word, Blake has given me space to decide what I want. And I have to admit that I miss him, his easy smile, and words of affection. Besides Dad and Val, he's the only person who has ever truly supported me without giving me backhanded compliments or making me feel like trash. What if I've ruined what we have? If anything, I'm as much to blame as his family because I judged him repeatedly before getting the full story.

After a long pause, I sigh. "No. It won't make me feel better, but I don't know how to cope with his elitist family and friends. Even if he cuts them out of his life, I'll worry I'm responsible for his estrangement."

"You can't control other people's actions and reactions," Mia says in a consoling tone. "I think it's good that you're considering the potential outcome, but there will always be those who want to bring others down, no matter how much you try to avoid confrontation. If, after determining this is a healthy relationship you want, you have a right to be with him. You're hurting yourself more by placing that kind of burden on your shoulders. If he says he doesn't want them in his life, that's a choice he made, not you."

Makes sense. I worry about being the reason anyway, but she's right. I can't control how his family and friends behave, nor can he take back what he's done. If he can make such a huge change, surely, I can extend the courtesy of giving him the benefit of the doubt. That is, if he'll forgive me and take me back.

We soon end the call, and I consider our conversation, replaying everything in my mind. I'm not sure if I'm mature enough for a serious relationship, but I can try to be better.