The Demon's Little Wolf

CHAPTER 21

Alexander's POV

She let herself go as she leaned on me. Her head rested on my chest as my hand drew circles at the back of her hand. With my hand that was behind her head, I started playing with her hair slowly, passing my figures through her soft curls. I stayed in the same position for the next few minutes, giving her time to calm down.

After a long time, I actually felt at peace. Holding her in my arms was probably one of the best feelings I ever felt. It was strangely calm yet made me feel alive as sparks went off all over me. My chest tightened as the image of her having a panic attack flashed in my mind. I held her closer, circling both my arms around her and she shifted slightly.

Ever since we talked in that room, I have not been able to stop thinking about her. About us and about what we could have. After contemplating several things over the past few days with the help of Elias, I finally came to terms that I totally deserved being called an asshole, maybe even worse.

Furthermore, I finally figured out what I should do. I had decided to clear certain things with her first and slowly build up trust between both of us. I could not just ask her to forget everything I said and everything that happened and then just start over and live happily. I did not deserve that. I knew I was at fault here. Besides, I doubt that Analise would agree with that easily.

Once we had enough trust and a pretty good relationship between us – a type of camaraderie- I would try to open up to her. I had no idea what would happen once I opened up to her about my past. She could hate me, she could understand or leave me. Though what I knew for sure was that she would not jump to conclusions without hearing me out entirely.

I knew this would not be easy. I never opened up to anyone, not even my best friends. I did not know how to do it and I did not want to be vulnerable in front of her or be seen as weak or worse, as a monster.

I had to do it though. After the countless times she tried talking to me to clear things between us but instead I ended up hurting her, I owed her this much. She did not deserve how I was treating her. She deserved to know the truth because like she said, I could not decide what's wrong or right for her. What she would do after knowing the truth would be entirely up to her. If she no longer deemed me as her mate after that and decided to reject me, I would understand her.

Then, when I set foot in her room, everything I had planned was forgotten when I saw her state. The feeling was still engraved in my mind- The clenching of my heart, tightening of my chest and the light shock of fear. After so many years, I felt fear again and my aversion towards that feeling only got stronger. I have felt fear before but it was very rare I felt fear for someone else.

I feared losing her.

That feeling only made me more determined to sort things out between us. Even if not today but eventually, day by day I would try my best. I never want to see her in that state ever again and if ever she got another panic attack, I did not want her to be alone while going through it. She merited having someone by her side to stick with her through thick and thin, even if it was not me.

A few minutes later, I thought she had calmed down but then I realised she had fallen asleep most probably from the draining experience. Carefully, I slid one of my hands under her knees and the other one around her waist as I got up. I treaded through the maze of broken glass as I advance towards her bed.

I laid her on her bed, adjusting the pillow behind her head as I lowered her head slightly. As soon as her head hit the pillow, she stirred a little, mumbling incoherent words but relaxed seconds later. Careful not to wake her up, I removed her heels and her jacket before pulling the covers over her.