DRAG - [h.s. au]

78

TW! : mention/contemplation of substance abuse

AN: this song is the most drag song ever. even if you don't play it while reading, every lyric somehow reflects the story, so i recommend listening! welcome to the last drag chapter before the epilogue, and for stickign with me through it all. i love you and all the love you've given me and this little corner of the universe i've made up. thank you forever and then some. enjoy. 

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HARRY

February 14, 2021

Death is something that Bentley Hale always saw coming and accepted.

I didn't. Not for myself, and especially not for her.

I never really processed the severity of her heart condition because I just thought we'd have more time. I was wrong. It feels like I'm always wrong and there's never enough time.

It's been a week since the catalyst to my life left it. A week since the greatest person I'll ever know became the greatest person I ever knew.

She's gone. Lost between the expanse of the universe. Returned to the galaxies and set apart in the stars. She's a constellation again. A nebula. A black hole. An eclipse. A dream.

She's gone.

She came, gave me the most unexpected turnaround of a life, and then she had to go.

I told her she could go.

I told her that because I didn't want to see her hurt from holding on. I didn't want her to hurt anymore, and all that was left of her was pain. She had a smile on her face as she left, and I had her blood on my hands.

If Bentley Hale came in waves, she left like a tsunami.

Everything came all at once, a force so strong it destroyed everything in its path. It wasn't a current that just pulled you away from the shore. No, this was the kind of wave that wouldn't retreat.

It drowns you and everything that surrounds you. There's no ledge to grab onto, no feeling that's constant. There's nothing to keep you afloat. What once was familiar is now a wasteland.

The aftermath of losing her has been unlike anything I've ever experienced. I haven't left my apartment. I haven't eaten. I haven't seen anyone other than Michi, Louis, and Liam, and I don't know if I can. I let them handle everything because I can't.

I didn't even let Emmy in. She didn't deserve to see her older brother shattered on the floor. There were too many pieces of myself to pick up, and there was no way I'd be able to be restored to what I once was.

Not to mention I killed someone in front of her. The one thing I never wanted to happen to my little sister, happened. I hadn't killed anyone in front of her before then, even when we were in London at that club. Hopefully she can forgive me, because I think the only reason she hasn't gone running for the hills is because Dorian is here.

I won't blame her if she hates me and runs, but I don't think I can handle someone else I love leaving.

It feels like a part of my heart and mind were taken away, like it was only half of me that existed in this very moment. I couldn't be whole. I can't function without my other half. I don't know how I'm expected to find that part of me again considering I don't think it existed before Bentley and I crossed paths.

I was already breaking my promise to her that I'd take care of everyone, but how could I take care of our family if I can't even take care of myself?