Lilac's Lies

39

Roman was staring at me. Not in the way he usually does, with curiosity and a hint of lust.

Not even in the way he stares at me when he uncovers another one of my lies. No, he was staring at me like I was robot who wasn't following the command they were programmed to do.

Likely because I was frozen. I don't think I moved an inch, not even to blink. When his words met my ears they stunned me. The memories of that night came flashing back, the feeling of the water seeping into the air around us as we crept through that narrow passage. The anger of Jesse cutting those buoys. The feeling the next morning, Jesse's words ringing through my ears.

We did this, Lilly. We killed someone.

"Lilac?" Roman finally asked, caution lacing his voice.

"Huh?" I shook my head, glancing up at him and meeting his eyes. They were narrowed as he observed me. "Sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm so sorry about your brother."

"Thanks, Lilac. Hey, you okay?" He asked me. In that second I noticed his fingers has stopped their comforting movements on my legs, and it was like I realized I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be here at all. I yanked my legs from his body, causing him to jump.

"I'm fine," I told him blankly, the emotion was gone from my voice. I pulled my body off the sofa, walking backwards away from him. "I, um, you know I forgot I actually have to go. I have, um, I have things to do right now. My mom needs me at home."

"Wait," Roman got off the couch, following me slowly. "What's wrong Lilac?"

"No, no... nothing is wrong," I faltered out. My feet never stopped moving, they were intent on getting to the door and getting the hell out of here. I couldn't be here. I couldn't be around Roman. No, he can't be around me. He doesn't deserve to be around a person like me.

"Stop," Roman called out, "what did I say? What freaked you out? Is it about my brother? You don't need to feel bad, I didn't expect you to know."

I closed my eyes as he said the words, feeling like I was just punched in the gut. He didn't know what he was saying. He didn't understand. I did need to feel bad. I needed to feel a lot worse than bad.

"I'm sorry, Roman. I have to go," I choked out, the panic I was feeling finally showing in my voice. It was strained, like I was trying to speak through a closed throat.

"Let me drive you at least. Lilac, please, I don't understand what's going on. Let me take you home. If something freaked you out, that's fine. You don't even have to tell me, it's okay. But let me be here for you," Roman said as he reached out to me again, but I turned my body sharply so he didn't touch me.

"I said no!" I raised my voice, hoping I got through to him. I couldn't take him being a nice guy anymore. I wished he would go back to what I used to know him as, the cocky guy who only wanted to punch my fake boyfriend in the face. That was the problem though, wasn't it? Roman wasn't that guy anymore. Maybe he never was.

"Okay," Roman stopped his movements instantly. "Okay, I'm sorry. Just... will you call me later. Can I put my number in your phone?"

I didn't answer him, I just threw his front door open instead. I could hear him saying something else as I ran down the hallway to the elevator. I wasn't listening, I was only praying he wouldn't follow me. I pushed the button three times in haste, my heart thumping as I watched the indicator screen flashing above the steel doors. Once they opened, I ran into the elevator, closing my eyes as I leaned against the metal wall.

I didn't allow myself to succumb to my thoughts until I was seated on the city bus. I picked a seat in the back, relieved that it was almost empty. There was no one to see me bury my head in my hands, cursing myself and my own life. My own stupid decisions, my own stupid choices. I knew one way or the other they would ruin my life. But, even worse, I always knew that they had ruined someone else's. Besides mine, besides Clara's. Besides Jesse and Brett and Khalil. I knew our choices would be the end of us.