tour sucks (lauren jauregui)

three - roof

Camila's asleep when the text comes in.

She's four hours from waking up, actually, and when those four hours do pass and she wakes up, she wishes she didn't.

lern jergi
This is the shittiest way for me to do this, but if I don't do it right now then I'll chicken out and never do it and I can't keep living with this feeling in my chest. Right now, I can't... as much I as I like you and want to be with you... I can't be with you right now. Something is not right with me and it's not fair to you to make you deal with it. It has nothing to do with you. I just need some time.

Yeah, so, Camila's pissed.

-

Lauren has a newfound love for punching things.

Okay, maybe not things, she can control herself. Either way, she discovered it when she was at the gym with one of her guy friends, just hanging out until he showed her a punching bag.

"You should take a hit," he said after trying a couple of times himself.

"What's the point?" Lauren had asked, capping her water bottle and walking over.

"It's fun," he'd shrugged, handing her gloves so she wouldn't hurt herself, "C'mon. Try it. It might help you get over this weird mood you're in."

She had grabbed the gloves and pulled them on, "It's not a mood."

"Whatever it is, it's not pleasant," he retorted as he went to hold the bag still, "Give it a punch."

She really thought it was stupid. What's the point of punching things, it's not a great coping mechanism.

But holy shit, did it feel good.

From then on, into the new tour they were on, Lauren could definitely be found in the gyms of hotels, working out in some capacity, and when there was a punching bag, it was her release.

She definitely felt better, her confidence was up and she was less pissed with the world, but it didn't really help the dark cloud hanging over her head all the time. She was still jittering and anxious and didn't know her place in the world.

It didn't help when after the initial tour, she went home and hung out with her high school best friend, Lucy, and heard about all the normal things Lucy was doing.

While Lauren was surrounded by paparazzi and screaming fans and her call-times at five in the morning, Lucy had friends and half-assed parties and deadlines for papers. One sounded so much more appealing to Lauren, but she couldn't have that life.

Lucy has ambitions and goals and all Lauren knows right now is that she's probably going to wake up tomorrow morning.

She hates it she hates it she hates it.

And now, as the time approaches for their second album (which by the way, she's barely gotten over the first), she just feels anxiety creeping back into her bones and a craving to be ten years old again and surrounded by constant elation and multiplication problems that were just hard enough to challenge her (because she'd rather that be her biggest problem in the world than if she likes guys or girls).

But here she is, almost ten years later, confused and lost instead.

It doesn't help that the only one on her side about the whole breakup is Ally, who, while she's a ray of sunshine, only seems to be happy about it because she never approved in the first place. Of course, she'd never say that to Lauren's face, but Lauren kind of just knows now.

So, Lauren can't really go to her about the sexuality stress that's been ruining her the past few months, she can't go to her about how she does miss Camila, she'd be surprised if she were able to go to Ally about her anxiety because who knows if she's accepting of that either?