Dearest Kit

Chapter Fifteen

   I hung up the phone and looked at my screensaver a second, an image of Kit laughing as I tried to teach him a little guitar. I felt sad, yes, but more numb; I couldn’t think of the emotion which completely described the way I felt at this present time. After meeting back in January we had been near inseparable, apart from the fact we lived in different cities, apart from the fact we could be living in different countries very soon. It was hard to explain to people, the connection between us. 

   It was as if there was a piece of string tied under my left rib, where my heart was, tightly knotted to Kit in a similar way. Bound together by some invisible, incomprehensible force. The further away from me he was, the tighter the string pulled, taut so that it felt as if my ribs would snap at any second. 

   I unlocked the bathroom door and stepped out into the hallway, tucking my hair behind my ear and taking a few deep breaths of the fresh air, trying to invigorate myself, trying to distract myself from the conversation I had just endured. I started down the main stairs and crossed the corridor to my form room. I opened the door and tried to slip in without being noticed, but that was hard to do when everyone was sat around the table eating their lunch. 

   I took a seat on my own on one of the sofas at the back of the classroom. Sacha came and sat next to me, but I didn’t acknowledge her, just looked out of the window onto the lawn. 

   “Are you alright?” She asked, stroking my arm comfortingly. 

   “Not really, no,” I shook my head, my voice catching. “It just feels so strange.” 

   “It’s not for long,” she reminded me, “a week tops, right?”  

   “I know,” I agreed, turning to her then, feeling self-conscious of my soar, red eyes. I tucked my knees up to my chest and lent my forehead against them, hiding my face. “I feel so stupid, for feeling so attached to him, for feeling so needy, especially when I’ve only known him for a few months.”  

   “Don’t be an idiot,” Sacha put an arm around me and squeezed me tight, “you’re allowed to feel however you want to feel.” 

   “I don’t know,” I shrugged wearily, “it just doesn’t feel right.” 

   “What about Valentines?” 

   “What about it?” I frowned, shrugging again, “We’re going to just have to Skype, that’s all.” 

   “What are you feeling then, really?” She persisted, “Why are you so upset, I don’t think it’s really not seeing him for a few days, because you’re stronger than that.” 

   “You’re right,” I nodded in agreement. 

   “What is it then?” Sacha wondered. 

   “I think,” I paused then and took a deep breath, “I think it’s the fact that for the first time I had to say goodbye, and it just made me think about when I’ll have to do that again. What if he get’s a role, and he has to go film for months on end in LA, or Australia, or Japan!” I stopped again and sighed to myself, “I mean, I doubt he’ll become a huge star in the Japanese film industry, he’s far too tall,” I added as a second thought, “but I don’t know how I will be able to cope with being away from him for that long,” I confessed. 

   “You’ll just have to be kept preoccupied with something else, your music, schoolwork,” she said optimistically. “It will be hard, but that’s a given isn’t it, when you care for someone that much?” 

   “It’s going to be hard,” I nodded, sucking on my bottom lip. 

   “On the other hand,” Sacha started, and I looked at her doe eyed, expectant, “you could just go with him?”